Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Lost in translation
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words. When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!" - Ed q."The Good, Clean Funnies List" gcfl@gcfl.net
Monday, July 30, 2007
Gabie-isms
from Julie Q's five-year-old.
Said while walking into Walgreens drugstore.
Gabie: I'm going to make your sandwich today Mom. I have a new recipe -- and you're really going to like it -- it's called a peanut butter, honey, bologna, tuna sandwich.
Mom: Uh, sounds great Gabie, but I think I'm already making my own sandwich, so I'll pass.
Gabie: But Mom it's not a pain to make at all. And it's my yummiest sandwich ever. You might even get addicted to it. That means you want it all the time.
Mom: (thinking there's little chance of developing a peanut butter, honey, bologna, tuna addiction, but you never can be too careful) No thanks Gabie.
Gabie (persistent as ever): If you like it you can make it on your own. But you might need a little bit of help, so I'll help you with it. I'm the only one who knows how much to put in it. And which side to put the peanut butter on. It has to go on a certain side.
Mom (half annoyed, half amused): Listen Gabriel, I don't think I would like those ingredients together. Thanks for offering, but I really truly do not want a peanut butter, honey, bologna, tuna sandwich
Gabie: But how do you KNOW you won't like it if you've never tried it?!?
[Help! He's using my own logic against me. It's hopeless. Do I give in like a coward and let him make the darn sandwich, take a few nibbles off the edges while he glows with pride and then dispose of the rest when he trots off to watch Sesame Street? You betcha.]
At the Body Worlds exhibit (where real human bodies are on display for anatomical study):
Mom (pointing to another body and wondering if this was a good place to bring a 5 year old, even if he is rather precocious and really fascinated with the human body and wants to be a doctor someday): So what do you think of this one Gabie?
Gabie: I think that man was very unlucky.
Mom: Why was he unlucky?
Gabie: Because he's dead.
Later at the same exhibit: "They'd better hurry up and finish with this man's body so they can put it back in his grave where it belongs."
And the one I saved because I just should have seen it coming but I didn't and it totally made me snort:
Gabie: Hey, lets all have some pudding.
Mom: Sorry buddy. We can't have pudding right now, it's lunchtime.
Gabie: But I want some pudding. We could each have a different flavor.
Mom: No Gabie. It's lunchtime.
Gabie: Oh, alright... Then can I choose what we have for lunch?
Mom: Sure. What should we have for lunch?
Gabie: Pudding.
- Julie Q
http://mentaltesserae.blogspot.com/2007/02/i-promise-i-dont-make-this-stuff-up.html
Said while walking into Walgreens drugstore.
Man, when are they ever going to get around to painting this place? The walls are still white -- not green!Gabie on the true meaning of President's Day:
If we're gone on present's day will we still get the presents?Gabie the mathematician:
Here's a new number I invented: Ten-ty. It's another word for a hundred. Ten-ty is a little more than ninety.10 minutes into the drive to Arizona, from the back of the van:
Vacations are just like being home, only better. [Sometimes I think Gabie is aAfter getting a few cactus pricklies in his ankle:
walking t-shirt slogan.]
Mom, this injury is pretty serious. I think I'm going to need a cast and a
handicapped parking pass.
~~~
Gourmet Gabie
Gourmet Gabie
Gabie: I'm going to make your sandwich today Mom. I have a new recipe -- and you're really going to like it -- it's called a peanut butter, honey, bologna, tuna sandwich.
Mom: Uh, sounds great Gabie, but I think I'm already making my own sandwich, so I'll pass.
Gabie: But Mom it's not a pain to make at all. And it's my yummiest sandwich ever. You might even get addicted to it. That means you want it all the time.
Mom: (thinking there's little chance of developing a peanut butter, honey, bologna, tuna addiction, but you never can be too careful) No thanks Gabie.
Gabie (persistent as ever): If you like it you can make it on your own. But you might need a little bit of help, so I'll help you with it. I'm the only one who knows how much to put in it. And which side to put the peanut butter on. It has to go on a certain side.
Mom (half annoyed, half amused): Listen Gabriel, I don't think I would like those ingredients together. Thanks for offering, but I really truly do not want a peanut butter, honey, bologna, tuna sandwich
Gabie: But how do you KNOW you won't like it if you've never tried it?!?
[Help! He's using my own logic against me. It's hopeless. Do I give in like a coward and let him make the darn sandwich, take a few nibbles off the edges while he glows with pride and then dispose of the rest when he trots off to watch Sesame Street? You betcha.]
~~~
At the Body Worlds exhibit (where real human bodies are on display for anatomical study):
Mom (pointing to another body and wondering if this was a good place to bring a 5 year old, even if he is rather precocious and really fascinated with the human body and wants to be a doctor someday): So what do you think of this one Gabie?
Gabie: I think that man was very unlucky.
Mom: Why was he unlucky?
Gabie: Because he's dead.
Later at the same exhibit: "They'd better hurry up and finish with this man's body so they can put it back in his grave where it belongs."
~~~
And the one I saved because I just should have seen it coming but I didn't and it totally made me snort:
Gabie: Hey, lets all have some pudding.
Mom: Sorry buddy. We can't have pudding right now, it's lunchtime.
Gabie: But I want some pudding. We could each have a different flavor.
Mom: No Gabie. It's lunchtime.
Gabie: Oh, alright... Then can I choose what we have for lunch?
Mom: Sure. What should we have for lunch?
Gabie: Pudding.
~~~
- Julie Q
http://mentaltesserae.blogspot.com/2007/02/i-promise-i-dont-make-this-stuff-up.html
Friday, July 27, 2007
Religious Warning
A priest and a rabbi from the local congregations are standing by the side of the road pounding a sign into the ground that reads: 'The End is Near! Turn yourself around now and be saved before it's too late!'
'Leave us alone you religious nuts!' yelled a driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
The pastor turns to the rabbi and asks, 'Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out?'
'Leave us alone you religious nuts!' yelled a driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
The pastor turns to the rabbi and asks, 'Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out?'
academia
In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit. "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves." "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
Can hot water freeze faster than cold water?
Monwhea Jeng (Momo) 1998Nov
Department of Physics, University of California
2 B CONTD
Department of Physics, University of California
2 B CONTD
Achieving Inner Peace
I'm passing this along to you as I consider you a valued friend. This worked for me and I think it may work for you.
I have found Inner Peace. Recently I read an article that stated: The best way to achieve inner peace is to Finish Things You Have Started.
So today I finished two large bags of potato chips, the last half of a lemon cream pie, a nearly full bottle of Jose Cuervo, a small box of Godiva Chocolates and I slapped the living shit out of someone I have never liked.
I feel better than I have felt for a long time. Please pass this along to a friend who is in need of Inner Peace.
I have found Inner Peace. Recently I read an article that stated: The best way to achieve inner peace is to Finish Things You Have Started.
So today I finished two large bags of potato chips, the last half of a lemon cream pie, a nearly full bottle of Jose Cuervo, a small box of Godiva Chocolates and I slapped the living shit out of someone I have never liked.
I feel better than I have felt for a long time. Please pass this along to a friend who is in need of Inner Peace.
GETTING WHAT WE PRAY FOR
A mother sent her fifth grade boy up to bed. In a few minutes she went to make sure that he was getting in bed. When she stuck her head into his room, she saw that he was kneeling beside his bed in prayer. Pausing to listen to his prayers, she heard her son praying over and over again. "Let it be Tokyo! Please dear God, let it be Tokyo!"
When he finished his prayers, she asked him, "What did you mean, 'Let it be Tokyo'?"
"Oh," the boy said with embarrassment, "we had our geography exam today and I was praying that God would make Tokyo the capital of France."
Prayer is not a magical means by which we get God to do what we want. While God desires that we brings our petitions to Him, He has not promised to give us everything that our heart desires. In fact, if an earthly father were to do that to a child ("Oh, you want to touch the hot stove? Go ahead!"), we would consider that father guilty of child abuse. We realize that a godly father sorts through the needs and the wants of his child and ultimately decides to give his child what is in his best interest and what will bring that child the most happiness in the long run.
William Temple was right when he said, ""We do not pray in order to change his will, but to bring our own wills into harmony with his." As we make our requests to God, we remain open to the idea that God may have something better in mind for us. His purpose may be fulfilled in our lives in a way we cannot even imagine. So, if we pray we ought, we come away feeling blessed, knowing that God has received our petition, but confident as well knowing that if God knows a better path for our lives, He will lead us in that direction.
"And he was withdrawn from them about a stone's throw, and he knelt down and prayed, saying, 'Father, if it is your will, take this cup from me; nevertheless not my will, but yours, be done." (Lk 22:41-42)
When he finished his prayers, she asked him, "What did you mean, 'Let it be Tokyo'?"
"Oh," the boy said with embarrassment, "we had our geography exam today and I was praying that God would make Tokyo the capital of France."
Prayer is not a magical means by which we get God to do what we want. While God desires that we brings our petitions to Him, He has not promised to give us everything that our heart desires. In fact, if an earthly father were to do that to a child ("Oh, you want to touch the hot stove? Go ahead!"), we would consider that father guilty of child abuse. We realize that a godly father sorts through the needs and the wants of his child and ultimately decides to give his child what is in his best interest and what will bring that child the most happiness in the long run.
William Temple was right when he said, ""We do not pray in order to change his will, but to bring our own wills into harmony with his." As we make our requests to God, we remain open to the idea that God may have something better in mind for us. His purpose may be fulfilled in our lives in a way we cannot even imagine. So, if we pray we ought, we come away feeling blessed, knowing that God has received our petition, but confident as well knowing that if God knows a better path for our lives, He will lead us in that direction.
"And he was withdrawn from them about a stone's throw, and he knelt down and prayed, saying, 'Father, if it is your will, take this cup from me; nevertheless not my will, but yours, be done." (Lk 22:41-42)
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Be careful what you type
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall, Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want
remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious
hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large
double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall, Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want
remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious
hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large
double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
a few good men and women
Where do we get such men? - Rear Admiral George Tarrant (Fredric March) _The Bridges at Toko-Ri_ 1955 (1954?)
CNN live interview with Martin Savidge on Sunday 2003Mar30:
Martin Savidge of CNN, embedded with the 1st Marine battalion, 1st Marine Division, was talking with 4 young Marines near his foxhole this morning live on CNN. He had been telling the story of how well the Marines had been looking out for and taking care of him since the war started. He went on to tell about the many hardships the Marines had endured since the war began and how they all look after one another.
He turned to the four and said he had cleared it with their commanders and they could use his video phone to call home. None of these Marines had been able to talk with their families for many weeks. The 19 year old Marine next to him asked Martin if he would allow his platoon sergeant to use his call to call his pregnant wife back home whom he had not been able to talk to in over a month. A stunned Savidge, who was visibly moved by the request, nodded his head - yes. The young Marine ran off to get the sergeant.
Savidge recovered after a few seconds and turned back to the three young Marines still sitting with him. He asked which one of them would like to call home first? The Marine closest to him responded with out a moments hesitation, "Sir, if is all the same to you we would like to call the parents of a buddy of ours. Lance Cpl Brian Buesing of Cedar Key FL, who was killed on the 23rd of March near Nasiriya. We would like to see how his folks are doing and let them know their son died bravely."
At that Martin Savidge totally broke down and was unable to speak. All he could get out before signing off was, "Where do they get young men like this?
CNN live interview with Martin Savidge on Sunday 2003Mar30:
Martin Savidge of CNN, embedded with the 1st Marine battalion, 1st Marine Division, was talking with 4 young Marines near his foxhole this morning live on CNN. He had been telling the story of how well the Marines had been looking out for and taking care of him since the war started. He went on to tell about the many hardships the Marines had endured since the war began and how they all look after one another.
He turned to the four and said he had cleared it with their commanders and they could use his video phone to call home. None of these Marines had been able to talk with their families for many weeks. The 19 year old Marine next to him asked Martin if he would allow his platoon sergeant to use his call to call his pregnant wife back home whom he had not been able to talk to in over a month. A stunned Savidge, who was visibly moved by the request, nodded his head - yes. The young Marine ran off to get the sergeant.
Savidge recovered after a few seconds and turned back to the three young Marines still sitting with him. He asked which one of them would like to call home first? The Marine closest to him responded with out a moments hesitation, "Sir, if is all the same to you we would like to call the parents of a buddy of ours. Lance Cpl Brian Buesing of Cedar Key FL, who was killed on the 23rd of March near Nasiriya. We would like to see how his folks are doing and let them know their son died bravely."
At that Martin Savidge totally broke down and was unable to speak. All he could get out before signing off was, "Where do they get young men like this?
echo from tweeter
2003Mar31
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to See if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived Just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to See if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived Just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
2003Mar28
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.
Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.
Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
3 wishes
A sales representative, an administration clerk and
their manager are walking to lunch when they find an
antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in
a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant
three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me
first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be
in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in
the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says
the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of pina coladas and the love of my life beside me."
Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to
the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back
in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always
let your boss have the first say.
their manager are walking to lunch when they find an
antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in
a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant
three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me
first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be
in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in
the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says
the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of pina coladas and the love of my life beside me."
Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to
the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back
in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always
let your boss have the first say.
Who's your daddy
A seminary professor was vacationing with his wife in Gatlinburg TN.
One morning, they were eating breakfast at little restaurant, hoping to enjoy a quiet, family meal. While they were waiting for their food, they noticed a distinguished looking, white-haired man moving from table to table, visiting with the guests. The professor leaned over and whispered to his wife, "I hope he doesn't come over here."
But sure enough, the man did come over to their table. "Where are you folks from?" he asked in a friendly voice.
"Oklahoma," they answered.
"Great to have you here in Tennessee." the stranger said. "What do you do for a living?"
"I teach at a seminary," he replied.
"Oh, so you teach preachers how to preach, do you? Well, I've got a really great story for you."
And with that, the gentleman pulled up a chair and sat down at the table with the couple.
The professor groaned and thought to himself, "Great... Just what I need...another preacher story!"
The man started, "See that mountain over there? (Pointing out the restaurant window). Not far from the base of that mountain, there was a boy born to an unwed mother. He had a hard time growing up, because every place he went, he was always asked the same question, 'Hey boy, Who's your daddy?' "Whether he was at school, in the grocery store or drug store, people would ask the
same question, 'Who's your daddy?' He would hide at recess and lunchtime from other students. He would avoid going in to stores because that question hurt him so bad.
"When he was about 12 years old, a new preacher came to his church. He would always go in late and slip out early to avoid hearing the question, 'Who's your daddy?'. But one day, the new preacher said the benediction so fast he got caught and had to walk out with the crowd. Just about the time he got to the back door, the new preacher, not knowing anything about him, put his hand on his shoulder and asked him, 'Son, who's your daddy?'
"The whole church got deathly quiet. He could feel every eye in the church looking at him. Now everyone would finally know the answer to the question, "Who's your daddy". This new preacher, though, sensed the situation around him and using discernment that only the Holy Spirit could give, said the following to that scared little boy... "'Wait a minute!' he said. 'I know who you are. I see the family resemblance now. You are a child of God.' With that he patted the boy on his shoulder and said, 'Boy, you've got a great inheritance. Go and claim it.'
With that, the boy smiled for the first time in a long time and walked out the door a changed person. He was never the same again. Whenever anybody asked him, 'Who's your Daddy?' he'd just tell them, 'I'm a Child of God'."
The distinguished gentleman got up from the table and said, "Isn't that a great story?"
The professor responded that it really was a great story!
As the man turned to leave, he said, "You know, if that new preacher hadn't told me that I was one of God's children, I probably never would have amounted to anything!" And he walked away.
The seminary professor and his wife were stunned. He called the waitress over and asked her, "Do you know who that man was who just left that was sitting at our table?"
The waitress grinned and said, "Of course. Everybody here knows him. That's Ben Hooper. He's the former governor of Tennessee!"
Someone in your life today needs a reminder that they're one of God's children!
One morning, they were eating breakfast at little restaurant, hoping to enjoy a quiet, family meal. While they were waiting for their food, they noticed a distinguished looking, white-haired man moving from table to table, visiting with the guests. The professor leaned over and whispered to his wife, "I hope he doesn't come over here."
But sure enough, the man did come over to their table. "Where are you folks from?" he asked in a friendly voice.
"Oklahoma," they answered.
"Great to have you here in Tennessee." the stranger said. "What do you do for a living?"
"I teach at a seminary," he replied.
"Oh, so you teach preachers how to preach, do you? Well, I've got a really great story for you."
And with that, the gentleman pulled up a chair and sat down at the table with the couple.
The professor groaned and thought to himself, "Great... Just what I need...another preacher story!"
The man started, "See that mountain over there? (Pointing out the restaurant window). Not far from the base of that mountain, there was a boy born to an unwed mother. He had a hard time growing up, because every place he went, he was always asked the same question, 'Hey boy, Who's your daddy?' "Whether he was at school, in the grocery store or drug store, people would ask the
same question, 'Who's your daddy?' He would hide at recess and lunchtime from other students. He would avoid going in to stores because that question hurt him so bad.
"When he was about 12 years old, a new preacher came to his church. He would always go in late and slip out early to avoid hearing the question, 'Who's your daddy?'. But one day, the new preacher said the benediction so fast he got caught and had to walk out with the crowd. Just about the time he got to the back door, the new preacher, not knowing anything about him, put his hand on his shoulder and asked him, 'Son, who's your daddy?'
"The whole church got deathly quiet. He could feel every eye in the church looking at him. Now everyone would finally know the answer to the question, "Who's your daddy". This new preacher, though, sensed the situation around him and using discernment that only the Holy Spirit could give, said the following to that scared little boy... "'Wait a minute!' he said. 'I know who you are. I see the family resemblance now. You are a child of God.' With that he patted the boy on his shoulder and said, 'Boy, you've got a great inheritance. Go and claim it.'
With that, the boy smiled for the first time in a long time and walked out the door a changed person. He was never the same again. Whenever anybody asked him, 'Who's your Daddy?' he'd just tell them, 'I'm a Child of God'."
The distinguished gentleman got up from the table and said, "Isn't that a great story?"
The professor responded that it really was a great story!
As the man turned to leave, he said, "You know, if that new preacher hadn't told me that I was one of God's children, I probably never would have amounted to anything!" And he walked away.
The seminary professor and his wife were stunned. He called the waitress over and asked her, "Do you know who that man was who just left that was sitting at our table?"
The waitress grinned and said, "Of course. Everybody here knows him. That's Ben Hooper. He's the former governor of Tennessee!"
Someone in your life today needs a reminder that they're one of God's children!
warning - bad language
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?". I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1.
"Hello"
"You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black beemer our front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called asshole # 2:
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello Asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
Now, I feel better.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?". I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1.
"Hello"
"You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black beemer our front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called asshole # 2:
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello Asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
Now, I feel better.
visibility
Five cannibals are hired as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised to be good.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard,and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?" A hand rises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Supervisors, Team Leaders, and Project Managers and no one noticed a thing, and then you have to go and eat the janitor!"
The cannibals promised to be good.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard,and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?" A hand rises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Supervisors, Team Leaders, and Project Managers and no one noticed a thing, and then you have to go and eat the janitor!"
I wish for you
Comfort on difficult days,
Rainbows to follow the dark clouds,
Laughter to kiss your lips,
Sunsets to warm your heart
Gentle hugs when spirits sag,
Friendships to brighten your being,
Beauty for your eyes to see,
Confidence for when you doubt,
Faith so that you can believe,
Courage to know yourself,
Patience to accept the truth,
And love to complete your life.
God Bless you!
I asked the Lord to bless you
To guide you and protect you
As you go along your way....
His love is always with you
His promises are true
No matter what the tribulation
You know He will see us through
So when the road you're traveling on
Seems difficult at best
Give your problems to the Lord
And God will do the rest.
Rainbows to follow the dark clouds,
Laughter to kiss your lips,
Sunsets to warm your heart
Gentle hugs when spirits sag,
Friendships to brighten your being,
Beauty for your eyes to see,
Confidence for when you doubt,
Faith so that you can believe,
Courage to know yourself,
Patience to accept the truth,
And love to complete your life.
God Bless you!
I asked the Lord to bless you
To guide you and protect you
As you go along your way....
His love is always with you
His promises are true
No matter what the tribulation
You know He will see us through
So when the road you're traveling on
Seems difficult at best
Give your problems to the Lord
And God will do the rest.
comments on ugly - source unknown
God places himself with the weak, the sick and the ugly.
- John H Egan
1916Oct9 b. New York City
1943 o. for Chicago
1943-55 chaplain Young Christian Workers
1946-59 chaplain Cana Conference of Chicago
1947-53 chaplain Christian Family Movement
1957 Msgr
1957-69 director Chicago Archdiocese office of urban affairs
1970-83 special assistant to the president and director Institute for Pastoral and Social Ministry @ University of Notre Dame
2001may19 d. Chicago cathedral rectory
Madame, I may be drunk, but you are ugly, and tomorrow, I will be sober. - W.C. Fields American comic actor in reply to a woman who accused him of being drunk
Never get into fights with ugly people; they have nothing to lose.
Slavery has made the rich man proud and ugly and it makes the poor man mean. - Charles Frazier Cold Mountain
The act male homosexuals commit is ugly and repugnant and afterwards they are disgusted with themselves. They drink and take drugs to palliate this, but they are disgusted with the act and they are always changing partners and cannot be really happy. - Gertrude Stein, writer, lesbian
Ugliness in a man doesn't matter, much. Ugliness in a woman is her life. - Joyce Carol Oates
Ugly a story in Faithless: Tales of transgression (Ecco Press $27 386p)
S/he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
ugly enough, nasty enough to gag a buzzard
- John H Egan
1916Oct9 b. New York City
1943 o. for Chicago
1943-55 chaplain Young Christian Workers
1946-59 chaplain Cana Conference of Chicago
1947-53 chaplain Christian Family Movement
1957 Msgr
1957-69 director Chicago Archdiocese office of urban affairs
1970-83 special assistant to the president and director Institute for Pastoral and Social Ministry @ University of Notre Dame
2001may19 d. Chicago cathedral rectory
Madame, I may be drunk, but you are ugly, and tomorrow, I will be sober. - W.C. Fields American comic actor in reply to a woman who accused him of being drunk
Never get into fights with ugly people; they have nothing to lose.
Slavery has made the rich man proud and ugly and it makes the poor man mean. - Charles Frazier Cold Mountain
The act male homosexuals commit is ugly and repugnant and afterwards they are disgusted with themselves. They drink and take drugs to palliate this, but they are disgusted with the act and they are always changing partners and cannot be really happy. - Gertrude Stein, writer, lesbian
Ugliness in a man doesn't matter, much. Ugliness in a woman is her life. - Joyce Carol Oates
Ugly a story in Faithless: Tales of transgression (Ecco Press $27 386p)
S/he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
ugly enough, nasty enough to gag a buzzard
another echo
2002Jun21
Novus Ordo is the derogatory name given by some to the Mass in native
languages created by the liturgical reforms in the 1960's.
As an adult (not a child) of Vatican II, I agree there is a crisis of
leadership, not faith. There are, however, crises of hope and love.
I find Masses today quite beautiful. I do not look for my priest to be
holy. I look for him to be a wounded healer. We are called to the font of
the Lord. We are called to reconciliation. We are one in the spirit, not
in the language we speak, the color of our skin, the style of our clothes.
Those who would reject the social Gospel remind me of Protestants who focus
on faith and ignore works. If we believe that Jesus is Christ, Messiah,
the Anointed One of God, if we believe that God the Father is the creator
of this wonderful and bounteous world, of we believe in the Spirit of God
who gives his gifts to us, then we must believe that love is the greatest
commandment, that we are to love God with our whole being reserving nothing
to ourselves. We are called then to love our neighbor as ourselves. From
that flows all the social Gospel. The gifts of the Father, the Son and the
Spirit are not ours to keep. We are called to spread them to the ends of
the earth.
A good homily starts by linking our lived experience with the Word of God.
From that bond we find our call to be in the world but not of the world.
We are called to faith in the face of scorn.
We are called to hope in the face of darkness and gloom.
We are called to love in the face of death, even death on the cross.
We are called to repentance in the face of our sins and by the face of
Jesus.
We are called to reconciliation with ourselves and one another.
Peace of the Risen Lord be with you.
Novus Ordo is the derogatory name given by some to the Mass in native
languages created by the liturgical reforms in the 1960's.
As an adult (not a child) of Vatican II, I agree there is a crisis of
leadership, not faith. There are, however, crises of hope and love.
I find Masses today quite beautiful. I do not look for my priest to be
holy. I look for him to be a wounded healer. We are called to the font of
the Lord. We are called to reconciliation. We are one in the spirit, not
in the language we speak, the color of our skin, the style of our clothes.
Those who would reject the social Gospel remind me of Protestants who focus
on faith and ignore works. If we believe that Jesus is Christ, Messiah,
the Anointed One of God, if we believe that God the Father is the creator
of this wonderful and bounteous world, of we believe in the Spirit of God
who gives his gifts to us, then we must believe that love is the greatest
commandment, that we are to love God with our whole being reserving nothing
to ourselves. We are called then to love our neighbor as ourselves. From
that flows all the social Gospel. The gifts of the Father, the Son and the
Spirit are not ours to keep. We are called to spread them to the ends of
the earth.
A good homily starts by linking our lived experience with the Word of God.
From that bond we find our call to be in the world but not of the world.
We are called to faith in the face of scorn.
We are called to hope in the face of darkness and gloom.
We are called to love in the face of death, even death on the cross.
We are called to repentance in the face of our sins and by the face of
Jesus.
We are called to reconciliation with ourselves and one another.
Peace of the Risen Lord be with you.
old letter to editor - never sent
2002Jun19
Intolerance
For the second time in about a year the charge of intolerance as been hurled in the Atlanta area relative to an issue of religions.
Last year a Protestant minister denied a Jewish rabbi use of his pulpit for a graduation ceremony. This year one Baptist leader, supported by another Baptist leader, made a strong public statement about Muslims. What is going on?
The details the last time were that a Protestant church volunteered to hold private religious graduation service. The students chose the rabbi to be the speaker. The minister objected. The media exploded with charges of intolerance.
Let us look closer. In that Protestant church the Word of God is the dominant religious symbol. The pulpit is the place from where the Word is proclaimed. It is therefore a sacred place.
If the First Amendment to the US Constitution has any meaning, it is to protect sacred places, symbols and objects for the interference of others. Catholics hold the communion bread to be sacred. Jews hold the Torah scroll sacred, both and the Protestants give great reverence to the Word of God. Is it wrong not to share sacred symbols but restrict their use to believers in their sacredness? It would seem every patriotic American who holds the Constitution dear would support the setting aside of the sacred places, symbols and objects.
Tolerance, Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary tells us, is sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from or conflicting with one's own, the act of allowing something. It doesn't say you have to like conflicting belief's, or say that you like them, just indulge them.
This year the charge of intolerance is leveled on the basis of a statement made by one religious leader to other religious leaders with the same belief system about a strikingly different belief system. Both sides of the First Amendment address this issue. As one who does not share that belief system or does so only in part (I am a Christian but not a Protestant) I find the First Amendment calling me to indulge those beliefs. And that is a lesson not evident apparently to either some of the media or some Americans, as evidenced by the AJC editorial of 2002June18 and accompanying letters.
As Rev Msgr Harry J Byrne (retired pastor and former chancellor of the Archdiocese of New York) notes in America 2002Jun17-24 "September 11: A Neighborhood Reflects", neither do most Muslims. (I commend the article to the AJC for reprint.)
The basis for our society is built into the very First of the Bill of Rights -- the conversations between the citizens, both individual and collective. It is often neither civil nor pretty. When it occurs, there may be hard feelings, but there is understanding. In the conversations, persons of differing views may and do challenge the views of others. That it should occur should surprise no American and is a lesson to be learned by old and young, citizen and visitor alike. As mentioned above it is the sacred places, symbols and objects our Constitution protects, not feelings.
At the moment the conversation with respect to 2001Sep11 has been less than balanced, less than complete. It is not for a lack of trying in some quarters.
Therefore, quoting Fr Byrne, "Our Muslim neighbors are challenged to dispel the perception that they endorse the polity of Muslim nations that regards Jews and Christians as infidels, denies them religious freedom and in law treats conversion as a capital crime.
...
Intolerance
For the second time in about a year the charge of intolerance as been hurled in the Atlanta area relative to an issue of religions.
Last year a Protestant minister denied a Jewish rabbi use of his pulpit for a graduation ceremony. This year one Baptist leader, supported by another Baptist leader, made a strong public statement about Muslims. What is going on?
The details the last time were that a Protestant church volunteered to hold private religious graduation service. The students chose the rabbi to be the speaker. The minister objected. The media exploded with charges of intolerance.
Let us look closer. In that Protestant church the Word of God is the dominant religious symbol. The pulpit is the place from where the Word is proclaimed. It is therefore a sacred place.
If the First Amendment to the US Constitution has any meaning, it is to protect sacred places, symbols and objects for the interference of others. Catholics hold the communion bread to be sacred. Jews hold the Torah scroll sacred, both and the Protestants give great reverence to the Word of God. Is it wrong not to share sacred symbols but restrict their use to believers in their sacredness? It would seem every patriotic American who holds the Constitution dear would support the setting aside of the sacred places, symbols and objects.
Tolerance, Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary tells us, is sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from or conflicting with one's own, the act of allowing something. It doesn't say you have to like conflicting belief's, or say that you like them, just indulge them.
This year the charge of intolerance is leveled on the basis of a statement made by one religious leader to other religious leaders with the same belief system about a strikingly different belief system. Both sides of the First Amendment address this issue. As one who does not share that belief system or does so only in part (I am a Christian but not a Protestant) I find the First Amendment calling me to indulge those beliefs. And that is a lesson not evident apparently to either some of the media or some Americans, as evidenced by the AJC editorial of 2002June18 and accompanying letters.
As Rev Msgr Harry J Byrne (retired pastor and former chancellor of the Archdiocese of New York) notes in America 2002Jun17-24 "September 11: A Neighborhood Reflects", neither do most Muslims. (I commend the article to the AJC for reprint.)
The basis for our society is built into the very First of the Bill of Rights -- the conversations between the citizens, both individual and collective. It is often neither civil nor pretty. When it occurs, there may be hard feelings, but there is understanding. In the conversations, persons of differing views may and do challenge the views of others. That it should occur should surprise no American and is a lesson to be learned by old and young, citizen and visitor alike. As mentioned above it is the sacred places, symbols and objects our Constitution protects, not feelings.
At the moment the conversation with respect to 2001Sep11 has been less than balanced, less than complete. It is not for a lack of trying in some quarters.
Therefore, quoting Fr Byrne, "Our Muslim neighbors are challenged to dispel the perception that they endorse the polity of Muslim nations that regards Jews and Christians as infidels, denies them religious freedom and in law treats conversion as a capital crime.
...
New Orleans and the Nun
Sister Mary Catherine died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked if she had any regrets. "It was always my dream to travel," she replied, "but I didn't get the chance." St. Peter said since she'd led such a good life, he would let her visit any place on earth as long as she called him within 24 hours. Exactly 24 hours later the phone rang. "Hello, St. Peter, this is Sister Mary Catherine. I'm in Rome. I got to visit the Vatican and meet the pope!" St. Peter decided to let her visit any place she chose, as long as she called in 24 hours. "Hello, St. Peter, this is Sister Mary Catherine. I'm in Paris," she said the next day. She spoke excitedly of lighting candles in Notre Dame and visiting the Eiffel Tower. St. Peter told her she could have one more chance to travel, but she must call back in 24 hours. Three weeks later St. Peter's phone rang. "Hi, Pete, this is Cat -- I'm in N'awlins!"
echo: One big happy by Rick Detorie
Ruthie is a little girl.
Her father says: Ruthie, this is your cousin Rocco!
Ruthie yells at Rocco: HELLO, ITALIAN COUSIN! MY NAME IS RUTHIE!
Rocco: Awride, awreddy! Whazzup widdat? I ain't deef, okay?
Ruthie: Uh... What part of Italiy are you from?
Rocco: Jersey.
Her father says: Ruthie, this is your cousin Rocco!
Ruthie yells at Rocco: HELLO, ITALIAN COUSIN! MY NAME IS RUTHIE!
Rocco: Awride, awreddy! Whazzup widdat? I ain't deef, okay?
Ruthie: Uh... What part of Italiy are you from?
Rocco: Jersey.
echo from tweeter
5/22/2002 8:38 AM
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand."
"I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing. Hey, this tastes like shit!"
Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand."
"I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing. Hey, this tastes like shit!"
Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
an echo from my son
I asked:
He wrote:
5/21/2002 8:05 PM
How was your week in the field?
He wrote:
5/21/2002 8:05 PM
The field was horrid. Infantry is for the hard core outdoorsman.
Apples Of Gold
A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. - Prov 25:11In the early 1900's, in the small village of Podsreda, Croatia, an altar boy named Josip Broz was serving the priest at Sunday mass. As he was holding the wine cruet, it accidentally dropped and shattered. The village priest struck the altar boy sharply on the cheek and in a gruff voice shouted:
Leave the altar and don't come back!Crushed, Josip left the church and by the time he was eighteen, he joined the newly formed Croatian Social Democratic Party. During World War II, Josip changed his name to Marshal Tito and in 1945 Tito became the communist dictator of Yugoslavia.
There was another altar boy in the early 1900's named John who grew up in El Paso IL. He too was serving Sunday mass to a bishop when a wine cruet accidentally fell from his hand during communion. With a warm twinkle in his eyes the bishop gently whispered:
Someday you will be a priest.John took that lesson of forgiveness and hope to heart. John not only grew up to become a priest, but Archbishop John Fulton Sheen was one of the most captivating radio preachers and influential religious authors in America.
What power we have when we say the right word at the right time. Are your words "apples of gold"? Today in prayer, thank Christ for His example of aptly spoken words. Look to the Lord to give you wisdom in all that you say.
Be humble and gentle in your conversation; and of few words, I charge you; but always pertinent when you speak. - William Penn
A man finds joy in giving an apt reply -- and how good is a timely word!- Peter Kennedy, Copyright 2002, Devotional E-Mail DEVOTIONS IN PROVERBS- Prov 15:23
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
point of view
We were sitting here in our cubes when in the distance we heard applause. One person said "Oh they were reviewing someone's program code and they are giving them an ovation for excellence." "No", said another programmer. "It's a design meeting. The programmers are applauding the business analysts for producing specifications that are complete, and delivered before the program is written and before the project due date."
Expect the unexpected
The man whispered, "God, speak to me" and a meadowlark sang.
But, the man did not hear.
So the man yelled, "God, speak to me" and the thunder rolled across the sky.
But, the man did not listen.
The man looked around and said, "God let me see you."
And a star shined brightly.
But the man did not see.
And, the man shouted, "God show me a miracle."
And, a life was born.
But, the man did not notice.
So, the man cried out in despair, "Touch me God, and let me know you are here." Whereupon, God reached down and touched the man.
But, the man brushed the butterfly away ...and walked on.
I found this to be a great reminder that God is always around us in the little and simple things that we take for granted ... even in our electronic age ...so I would like to add one more:
The man cried, "God, I need your help!"
And an e-mail arrived reaching out with good news and encouragement.
But, the man deleted it and continued crying ..
Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you expect.
But, the man did not hear.
So the man yelled, "God, speak to me" and the thunder rolled across the sky.
But, the man did not listen.
The man looked around and said, "God let me see you."
And a star shined brightly.
But the man did not see.
And, the man shouted, "God show me a miracle."
And, a life was born.
But, the man did not notice.
So, the man cried out in despair, "Touch me God, and let me know you are here." Whereupon, God reached down and touched the man.
But, the man brushed the butterfly away ...and walked on.
I found this to be a great reminder that God is always around us in the little and simple things that we take for granted ... even in our electronic age ...so I would like to add one more:
The man cried, "God, I need your help!"
And an e-mail arrived reaching out with good news and encouragement.
But, the man deleted it and continued crying ..
Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you expect.
Twinkies and Root Beer
A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack of Root beer and he started his journey.
When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old man. He was sitting in the park just staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old man looked hungry, so he offered him a Twinkie. He gratefully accepted it and smiled at him. His smile was so pleasant that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer. Again, he smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.
As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old man, and gave him a hug. He gave him his biggest smile ever.
When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy? He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? He's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"
Meanwhile, the old man, also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on his face and he asked, "Dad, what did you do today that made you so happy?" He replied, "I ate Twinkies in the park with God." However, before his son responded, he added, "You know, he's much younger than I expected."
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old man. He was sitting in the park just staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old man looked hungry, so he offered him a Twinkie. He gratefully accepted it and smiled at him. His smile was so pleasant that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer. Again, he smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.
As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old man, and gave him a hug. He gave him his biggest smile ever.
When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy? He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? He's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"
Meanwhile, the old man, also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on his face and he asked, "Dad, what did you do today that made you so happy?" He replied, "I ate Twinkies in the park with God." However, before his son responded, he added, "You know, he's much younger than I expected."
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
Top Ten Silliest Questions Asked on a Cruise Ship
10. Do these steps go up or down?
9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?
6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?
5. Does the ship make its own electricity?
4. Is it salt water in the toilets?
3. What elevation are we at?
2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day, this question is asked: If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?
1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
- Laugh and Lift
9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?
6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?
5. Does the ship make its own electricity?
4. Is it salt water in the toilets?
3. What elevation are we at?
2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day, this question is asked: If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?
1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
- Laugh and Lift
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Shocking news!
Associated Press headline 2007Jul24
Medically illiterate die much sooner
Study finds those who cannot read instructions on taking drugs are more likely to doe within six years of going on medication
Chicago: Plenty of evidence suggests that having trouble understanding medical information is bad for your health. Now new research says it could be deadly.
A study of patients 65 and older ...
- Lindsey Tanner
Medically illiterate die much sooner
Study finds those who cannot read instructions on taking drugs are more likely to doe within six years of going on medication
Chicago: Plenty of evidence suggests that having trouble understanding medical information is bad for your health. Now new research says it could be deadly.
A study of patients 65 and older ...
- Lindsey Tanner
Monday, July 23, 2007
Friday, July 20, 2007
Unstable Elements
recovered from old email
09/07/2001
Does radon come only from uranium? Shouldn't some come from thorium, which is more abundant than uranium? What isotopes of radon would be expected to seep up out of the ground? What are their decay products? Just in case you don't know all of this off hand, can you suggest a reference? - Jim N.
Somewhere I have a book that shows all the decay sequences of all the isotopes. It may be a government publication.
More of the radon found in people's house comes from the thorium decay sequence. Radon is the only one that is a hazard because it is the only gas. Thorium is around because it has chemistry similar to the stuff in clay. True clay however is not very permeable so it is less of a problem. In Houston there is much blue clay but it is not at the surface. So it is moist and mostly impermeable. The greatest problems come from clay and sand mixtures or shale, which is partially consolidated sediment. Shale is the problem is Western Pennsylvania where I used to live.
The most unstable element I have dealt with was a wife. - the pup
09/07/2001
Does radon come only from uranium? Shouldn't some come from thorium, which is more abundant than uranium? What isotopes of radon would be expected to seep up out of the ground? What are their decay products? Just in case you don't know all of this off hand, can you suggest a reference? - Jim N.
Somewhere I have a book that shows all the decay sequences of all the isotopes. It may be a government publication.
More of the radon found in people's house comes from the thorium decay sequence. Radon is the only one that is a hazard because it is the only gas. Thorium is around because it has chemistry similar to the stuff in clay. True clay however is not very permeable so it is less of a problem. In Houston there is much blue clay but it is not at the surface. So it is moist and mostly impermeable. The greatest problems come from clay and sand mixtures or shale, which is partially consolidated sediment. Shale is the problem is Western Pennsylvania where I used to live.
The most unstable element I have dealt with was a wife. - the pup
Thursday, July 19, 2007
The bigger picture
Leith Anderson, a minister, shared this experience: As a boy, he grew up outside of New York City and was an avid fan of the old Brooklyn Dodgers. One day his father took him to a World Series game between the Dodgers and the Yankees. He was so excited, and he just knew the Dodgers would trounce the Yankees. Unfortunately, the Dodgers never got on base, and his excitement was shattered.
Years later, he was engrossed in a conversation with a man who was a walking sports almanac. Leith told him about the first major league game he attended and added, "It was such a disappointment. I was a Dodger fan and the Dodgers never got on base." The man said, "You were there? You were at the game when Don Larsen pitched the first perfect game in all of World Series history?"
Leith replied, ''Yeah, but uh, we lost." He then realized that he had been so caught up in his team's defeat that he missed out on the fact that he was a witness to a far greater page of history.
I wonder how often the same thing happens to us. We get so caught up in the "defeats" in our lives, the times when things don't turn out the way we want them to. So we're depressed because an illness continues to linger, or when people don't treat us the way we think they ought to, or when we face financial difficulties.
But we are often so blinded by the pain and disappointment of our "defeat" that we fail to appreciate the fact that we might be witness to something far greater that God is doing in our lives.
Remember when Paul was in prison? He wrote to the Philippian Christians, "But I want you to know, brethren, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel." (Phil 1:12)
While most of us would have focused on the "defeat" (being in prison even though he was innocent), Paul was able to see what God was doing in his life. It's not an easy thing to do. It's never easy to view things from a heavenly perspective rather than an earthly one, but it is especially difficult in the midst of pain and defeat. But it is learning how to have a heavenly view that helps us to know joy no matter what happens in our lives.
Years later, he was engrossed in a conversation with a man who was a walking sports almanac. Leith told him about the first major league game he attended and added, "It was such a disappointment. I was a Dodger fan and the Dodgers never got on base." The man said, "You were there? You were at the game when Don Larsen pitched the first perfect game in all of World Series history?"
Leith replied, ''Yeah, but uh, we lost." He then realized that he had been so caught up in his team's defeat that he missed out on the fact that he was a witness to a far greater page of history.
I wonder how often the same thing happens to us. We get so caught up in the "defeats" in our lives, the times when things don't turn out the way we want them to. So we're depressed because an illness continues to linger, or when people don't treat us the way we think they ought to, or when we face financial difficulties.
But we are often so blinded by the pain and disappointment of our "defeat" that we fail to appreciate the fact that we might be witness to something far greater that God is doing in our lives.
Remember when Paul was in prison? He wrote to the Philippian Christians, "But I want you to know, brethren, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel." (Phil 1:12)
While most of us would have focused on the "defeat" (being in prison even though he was innocent), Paul was able to see what God was doing in his life. It's not an easy thing to do. It's never easy to view things from a heavenly perspective rather than an earthly one, but it is especially difficult in the midst of pain and defeat. But it is learning how to have a heavenly view that helps us to know joy no matter what happens in our lives.
Serious warning
WASHINGTON (AP) — Federal health officials warned consumers Wednesday to throw away certain cans of hot dog chili sauce canned in Georgia after the product was linked to the first cases of botulism in commercially canned foods in decades.
Four people were hospitalized. The warning applies to 10-ounce cans of Castleberry's, Austex and Kroger brands of hot dog chili sauce with "best by" dates from April 30, 2009, through May 22, 2009, the Food and Drug Administration said. It wasn't immediately clear how widely the products were distributed.
The contamination by the toxin is extremely rare for a commercially canned product. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention medical epidemiologist Dr. Michael Lynch said the last such U.S. case dates to the 1970s. The roughly 25 cases reported each year typically involved home-canned foods, Lynch said.
http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/stories/2007/07/18/ChiliSauce_Botulism_N0507.html?cxntlid=homepage_tab_newstab&cxntnid=biz071907e
Four people were hospitalized. The warning applies to 10-ounce cans of Castleberry's, Austex and Kroger brands of hot dog chili sauce with "best by" dates from April 30, 2009, through May 22, 2009, the Food and Drug Administration said. It wasn't immediately clear how widely the products were distributed.
The contamination by the toxin is extremely rare for a commercially canned product. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention medical epidemiologist Dr. Michael Lynch said the last such U.S. case dates to the 1970s. The roughly 25 cases reported each year typically involved home-canned foods, Lynch said.
http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/stories/2007/07/18/ChiliSauce_Botulism_N0507.html?cxntlid=homepage_tab_newstab&cxntnid=biz071907e
out of the mouths of babes
When the power failed at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches. As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a home-cooked meal!" - Ed q."The Good, Clean Funnies List"
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
just like bats in the belfry
"The thing to remember about love affairs," says Simone, "is that they are all like having raccoons in your chimney. ... We have raccoons sometimes in our chimney ... And once we tried to smoke them out. We lit a fire, knowing they were there, but we hoped that the smoke would cause them to scurry out the top and never come back. Instead, they caught on fire and came crashing down into our living room, all charred and in flames and running madly around until they dropped dead." Simone swallows some wine. "Love affairs are like that," she says. "They all are like that." - Lorrie Moore Birds of America (291p 1998Sep Knopf ISBN:0679445978)
Squash
This week America celebrates the holiday of Thanksgiving, or as it is known outside the United States, "Thursday."
Families separated for months or years will reunite, and shortly afterwards remember why they separated. Throughout the nation, those wretched souls condemned to the public school system will breathe a bit easier, eager in their anticipation of four days surcease from education. The students are pretty happy about the long weekend vacation, too.
Thanksgiving is, of course, a holiday invented by grocers and farmers to allow them to sell huge quantities of disgusting "traditional" foods that no one in his right mind would eat otherwise, such as squash. The average squash is a triumph of minimalism wherein Nature manages to convert mud into a plant without bothering to change its texture.
Attempts to improve the mud-like flavor of squash by the addition of delicate seasonings and spices have produced dishes that taste, at best, like delicately seasoned and spiced mud. A master chef, faced with the necessity of making a palatable squash dish, would throw in his funny hat and become a short-order cook at Denny's.
- Bill Stebbins 2001March
Families separated for months or years will reunite, and shortly afterwards remember why they separated. Throughout the nation, those wretched souls condemned to the public school system will breathe a bit easier, eager in their anticipation of four days surcease from education. The students are pretty happy about the long weekend vacation, too.
Thanksgiving is, of course, a holiday invented by grocers and farmers to allow them to sell huge quantities of disgusting "traditional" foods that no one in his right mind would eat otherwise, such as squash. The average squash is a triumph of minimalism wherein Nature manages to convert mud into a plant without bothering to change its texture.
Attempts to improve the mud-like flavor of squash by the addition of delicate seasonings and spices have produced dishes that taste, at best, like delicately seasoned and spiced mud. A master chef, faced with the necessity of making a palatable squash dish, would throw in his funny hat and become a short-order cook at Denny's.
- Bill Stebbins
Love
A group of professionals posed the question "What does love mean?" to a group of 4 - 8 year-olds and the answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
"Love is when someone hurts you and you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."
"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
"My Mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
"Love is when Mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
"Love is when someone hurts you and you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."
"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
"My Mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
"Love is when Mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
A parable
Her name was Mrs. Thompson. As she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children a lie.
Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same. But that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.
Mrs.Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he didn't play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath.
And Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs.Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting a big "F" at the top of his papers.
At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.
Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners. He is a joy to b e around." His second grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle."
His third grade teacher wrote, "His mother's death had been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken."
Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class."
By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag.
Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one quarter-full of perfume. But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist.
Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, "Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mother used to." After the children left she cried for at least an hour.
On that very day, she quit teaching reading, and writing, and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her "teacher's pets."
A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs.Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer-the letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard MD.
The story doesn't end there. You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he'd met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit in the place at the wedding that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom.
Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. And she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.
They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear, "Thank you Mrs. Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference." Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back. She said, "Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you."
Warm someone's heart today . . . pass this along. Please remember that wherever you go, and whatever you do, you will have the opportunity to touch and/or change a person's outlook please try to do it in a positive way.
"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
- Elizabeth Silance Ballard
Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same. But that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.
Mrs.Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he didn't play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath.
And Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs.Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting a big "F" at the top of his papers.
At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.
Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners. He is a joy to b e around." His second grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle."
His third grade teacher wrote, "His mother's death had been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken."
Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class."
By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag.
Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one quarter-full of perfume. But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist.
Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, "Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mother used to." After the children left she cried for at least an hour.
On that very day, she quit teaching reading, and writing, and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her "teacher's pets."
A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs.Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer-the letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard MD.
The story doesn't end there. You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he'd met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit in the place at the wedding that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom.
Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. And she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.
They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear, "Thank you Mrs. Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference." Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back. She said, "Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you."
Warm someone's heart today . . . pass this along. Please remember that wherever you go, and whatever you do, you will have the opportunity to touch and/or change a person's outlook please try to do it in a positive way.
"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
- Elizabeth Silance Ballard
Why Go to Church?
A Churchgoer wrote a letter to the editor of the newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. "I've gone for 30 yrs now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 1,500 sermons. But for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."
This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:
I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this: They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!"
This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:
I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this: They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!"
TEMPTED
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where St. Peter himself met her at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. "You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders." What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends-fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time
telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. "Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable. The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders." What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends-fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time
telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. "Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable. The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."
The new prudes
You can't change people. You sometimes can change their targets.
So it is that while prudes will always be prudes -- obsessed with the notion that someone, somewhere, might be having fun -- what they are prudish about can and will change over time.
When I was a boy, a peculiar amount of time and energy went into prohibiting consenting adults from doing what they wanted to do together. While still popular in some circles, this form of prudishness is far less prevalent these days.
That's the good news, and if someone ever introduced a Constitutional amendment that reads, "Congress shall make no laws defining crimes without victims or criminalizing acts undertaken solely between or among consenting adults," I'd expect it to receive widespread support.
The bad news: The prudes are still among us. They live in IT organizations. You can recognize them easily. They're the ones who say, "Rules are rules, and we have to enforce them."
It's an argument that falls apart on even the slightest scrutiny but scrutiny is something prudes mostly reserve for the behavior of other people. Self-righteousness, not analysis, is their stock in trade.
These thoughts occurred to me as I read my e-mail following last week's column ("Roving e-mail," Keep the Joint Running, 7/2/2007), which presented the imprudence of harshly punishing violations of various corporate usage policies (such as using private e-mail accounts for business purposes).
These are the new prudes, and I'm tired of listening to them. Tired, that is, of those who self-righteously deride anyone who uses their PC for more than word processing, spreadsheets, electronic mail, Internet browsing, and the official list of enterprise applications.
We have PCs that can sing, dance, and play the tuba. The list of what they can do for us is like Einstein's universe: Finite, but unbounded.
As specifics are more persuasive than generalities, here are some applications I use on a regular basis, which make me significantly more effective in my work. Installing them would be, in many companies, grounds for disciplinary action:
Here's a suggestion: Instead of employing professional prudes to prevent end-users from finding better and more productive uses for information technology, show some leadership instead. Give someone the job of developing the richest set of tools possible for your company's PCs, and the job of promoting their use.
The job title? I must be in the wrong mood, because everything that occurs to me right now would make at least some readers snigger.
Suggestions?
So it is that while prudes will always be prudes -- obsessed with the notion that someone, somewhere, might be having fun -- what they are prudish about can and will change over time.
When I was a boy, a peculiar amount of time and energy went into prohibiting consenting adults from doing what they wanted to do together. While still popular in some circles, this form of prudishness is far less prevalent these days.
That's the good news, and if someone ever introduced a Constitutional amendment that reads, "Congress shall make no laws defining crimes without victims or criminalizing acts undertaken solely between or among consenting adults," I'd expect it to receive widespread support.
The bad news: The prudes are still among us. They live in IT organizations. You can recognize them easily. They're the ones who say, "Rules are rules, and we have to enforce them."
It's an argument that falls apart on even the slightest scrutiny but scrutiny is something prudes mostly reserve for the behavior of other people. Self-righteousness, not analysis, is their stock in trade.
These thoughts occurred to me as I read my e-mail following last week's column ("Roving e-mail," Keep the Joint Running, 7/2/2007), which presented the imprudence of harshly punishing violations of various corporate usage policies (such as using private e-mail accounts for business purposes).
These are the new prudes, and I'm tired of listening to them. Tired, that is, of those who self-righteously deride anyone who uses their PC for more than word processing, spreadsheets, electronic mail, Internet browsing, and the official list of enterprise applications.
We have PCs that can sing, dance, and play the tuba. The list of what they can do for us is like Einstein's universe: Finite, but unbounded.
As specifics are more persuasive than generalities, here are some applications I use on a regular basis, which make me significantly more effective in my work. Installing them would be, in many companies, grounds for disciplinary action:
- Copernic Desktop Search: Until I migrated to Vista (DON'T DO IT! YOU'LL REGRET IT!!!) Copernic was how I quickly found the files and e-mails I was looking for. I like it even more than Google Desktop.
- InfoSelect: The best personal information manager in the world, so far as I'm concerned. You can use it to create outlines, notes, and flat-file databases and find whatever you're looking for in an eyeblink. I use it to store all the random bits of information I need to stash somewhere. And, it has a version for Palm, so I can find the information when I'm out and about.
- Desktop Sidebar: Similar to Google Desktop's sidebar, and infinitely better than Vista's visually appealing but space-intensive clunker, I find Desktop Sidebar to be a terrific way to keep the weather, stocks, and blogs I track right in front of me. It's compact, stable, and ... nifty.
- Treo/Blackberry: Yes, there are still a lot of companies that don't let you connect a Treo or Blackberry to your PC or laptop. I can e-mail or call anyone in my Outlook address book from my Treo. Their employees can't.
- Digital camera: We do a lot of whiteboard work with clients. When the whiteboard is full we take its picture. It's cheaper than a "smart board," ubiquitous, and we can store the original electronically. Many companies wouldn't let us upload the pictures.
- Allway Sync: I don't know if it's better or worse than any other file synchronization tool. It works for me. It keeps track of parallel folder trees on different drives or computers, recognizing new files, changed files, and deletions. Simple and painless.
Here's a suggestion: Instead of employing professional prudes to prevent end-users from finding better and more productive uses for information technology, show some leadership instead. Give someone the job of developing the richest set of tools possible for your company's PCs, and the job of promoting their use.
The job title? I must be in the wrong mood, because everything that occurs to me right now would make at least some readers snigger.
Suggestions?
Monday, July 16, 2007
the pup is back from vacation
now for a peaceful week at work to recover
unfortunately my wheels are close to demise -- shopping this week for wheels
unfortunately my wheels are close to demise -- shopping this week for wheels
Friday, July 6, 2007
Worst Family Feud Answers
Q: Name a former President that most people would say is honest.
#1 A: Lincoln
Worst A: Nixon
~
Q: Besides San Francisco, name a city that begins with the word San.
#1 A: San Diego
Worst A: Seattle
~
Q: Name a slang term used for important people.
#1 A: V.I.P.
Worst A: Buddy [only in AR]
~
Q: Name something packrats have a hard time throwing out.
#1 A: Photos
Worst A: Corn
~
Q: Name something that might annoy a gardener.
#1 A: Bugs
Worst A: Not getting paid on time [well yeah]
~
Q: Name a reason a man might send his wife flowers.
#1 A: Anniversary
Worst A: Happy divorce [Hmmmm...I never thought of that]
~
Q: Name a term used in football.
#1 A: Touchdown
Worst A: Fastbreak
~
Q: Name a special request people ask for when making a dinner reservation.
#1 A: Non-smoking
Worst A: A menu
~
Q: Name someone you wouldn't want to get a phone call from.
#1 A: The police
Worst A: Your son [There are times when those might be equivalent]
~
Q: Name a classical music composer everyone knows.
#1 A: Mozart
Worst A: Julio Iglesias
~
Q: Tell me something specific you should drink a lot of when you're sick.
#1 A: Water
Worst A: Alcohol
~
Q: Name something you'd hate to find at the end of your nose.
#1 A: Pimple
Worst A: Lint
~
Q: Name the worst kind of shoe to run a marathon in.
#1 A: High heels
Worst A: Scuba flippers
~
Q: Name something a person wouldn't want living in their house.
#1 A: Relatives
Worst A: Mold [btdt]
~
Q: Name a musician who goes by one name.
#1 A: Madonna [wrong! not a musician!]
Worst A: Reba McIntyre
~
Q: Name something you think would be difficult about being a waiter.
#1 A: Taking orders
Worst A: Falling down
~
Q: Name a unit of currency used in a country other than the U.S.
#1 A: Peso
Worst A: Ampere
~
Q: Name a reason why a woman might not want to kiss her boyfriend.
#1 A: Bad breath
Worst A: She doesn't love him that much.
~
Q: Name something you do in front of your husband that you probably never did when you were dating.
#1 A: Undress
Worst A: Make out [virgins might say that]
~
Q: Name a complaint you might have about the pizza that was just delivered.
#1 A: It's cold
Worst A: It went to the wrong address
~
Q: Name an animal many people are scared of.
#1 A: Snake
Worst A: Boar [esp. in S.TX]
~
Q: Name something you need to play Scrabble.
#1 A: Letters
Worst A: Dice [and a loaded .45]
~
Q: Name the age when a man might start to lose a lot of hair.
#1 A: 30
Worst A: 14
~
Q: Name the best month to schedule a wedding.
#1 A: June
Worst A: Summer
- Laff-a-Day
#1 A: Lincoln
Worst A: Nixon
~
Q: Besides San Francisco, name a city that begins with the word San.
#1 A: San Diego
Worst A: Seattle
~
Q: Name a slang term used for important people.
#1 A: V.I.P.
Worst A: Buddy [only in AR]
~
Q: Name something packrats have a hard time throwing out.
#1 A: Photos
Worst A: Corn
~
Q: Name something that might annoy a gardener.
#1 A: Bugs
Worst A: Not getting paid on time [well yeah]
~
Q: Name a reason a man might send his wife flowers.
#1 A: Anniversary
Worst A: Happy divorce [Hmmmm...I never thought of that]
~
Q: Name a term used in football.
#1 A: Touchdown
Worst A: Fastbreak
~
Q: Name a special request people ask for when making a dinner reservation.
#1 A: Non-smoking
Worst A: A menu
~
Q: Name someone you wouldn't want to get a phone call from.
#1 A: The police
Worst A: Your son [There are times when those might be equivalent]
~
Q: Name a classical music composer everyone knows.
#1 A: Mozart
Worst A: Julio Iglesias
~
Q: Tell me something specific you should drink a lot of when you're sick.
#1 A: Water
Worst A: Alcohol
~
Q: Name something you'd hate to find at the end of your nose.
#1 A: Pimple
Worst A: Lint
~
Q: Name the worst kind of shoe to run a marathon in.
#1 A: High heels
Worst A: Scuba flippers
~
Q: Name something a person wouldn't want living in their house.
#1 A: Relatives
Worst A: Mold [btdt]
~
Q: Name a musician who goes by one name.
#1 A: Madonna [wrong! not a musician!]
Worst A: Reba McIntyre
~
Q: Name something you think would be difficult about being a waiter.
#1 A: Taking orders
Worst A: Falling down
~
Q: Name a unit of currency used in a country other than the U.S.
#1 A: Peso
Worst A: Ampere
~
Q: Name a reason why a woman might not want to kiss her boyfriend.
#1 A: Bad breath
Worst A: She doesn't love him that much.
~
Q: Name something you do in front of your husband that you probably never did when you were dating.
#1 A: Undress
Worst A: Make out [virgins might say that]
~
Q: Name a complaint you might have about the pizza that was just delivered.
#1 A: It's cold
Worst A: It went to the wrong address
~
Q: Name an animal many people are scared of.
#1 A: Snake
Worst A: Boar [esp. in S.TX]
~
Q: Name something you need to play Scrabble.
#1 A: Letters
Worst A: Dice [and a loaded .45]
~
Q: Name the age when a man might start to lose a lot of hair.
#1 A: 30
Worst A: 14
~
Q: Name the best month to schedule a wedding.
#1 A: June
Worst A: Summer
- Laff-a-Day
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Roving e-mail
That members of the Bush administration used Republican National Committee e-mail accounts instead of their official government accounts leads to troubling questions.
No, not the troubling legal and ethical questions. They aren't KJR material. If you're looking for self-righteous indignation on that subject, plenty of political blogs have already plowed that field.
Here at KJR we rarely indulge in self-righteous indignation. Our preferred vices are sarcasm and irony. With that in mind:
Many in the IT punditocracy have made much of the RNC's amateurish systems management. It's clear system security and recoverability went well beyond dreadful.
This is no academic concern. The RNC acknowledges it lost hundreds of thousands of e-mail messages and can't get them back. Unless you interpret the loss as the result of malicious intent, it's difficult to explain away the problem as anything other than total incompetence. (And can you imagine how frustrating it must for Karl Rove that he can't retrieve his e-mail archives?)
But that isn't a proper KJR subject either. Well, it is, actually, but not this week. You'll have to wade through another few paragraphs for the point to emerge, though, because, elsewhere in the news:
Gloria Long Rollins, Town Manager of Walkersville MD, removed the toilet paper from all restrooms in the town's parks. Vandals, you see, had set some paper on fire in a men's bathroom. And so, to combat vandalism, graffiti and drug use in the parks, visitors will henceforth have to bring their own, whether it's toilet paper, spray paint, drugs or kindling.
Here's the connection, and its relevance: Bush administration members aren't alone in ignoring the official systems IT provides them, and Gloria Rollins isn't alone in overreacting to irritating infractions of the rules. The combination is, to coin a phrase, a vicious cycle.
Okay, I didn't really coin the phrase. Still, it is a cycle and it is vicious. Please make allowances.
The Bush-league question for KJR readers is how many business users in your company make use of Gmail, Yahoo! Mail!, or Hotmail for business use, and why. The Walkersville question is how you respond when they do.
Here's the usual response. I'm sure someone somewhere calls it a best practice:
1. IT writes a policy making the use of private e-mail accounts illegal.
2. IT explains to all managers and staff that this is the policy, and that failing to adhere to it will result in disciplinary action, up to and including termination.
3. Someone actually enforces the policy, including termination, proving that in more than one small village, the local idiot has gone missing.
It isn't that the use of private e-mail accounts is a good idea. Of course it isn't, as the RNC was kind enough to demonstrate.
It's that the proper response isn't to remove the metaphorical toilet paper. It's better to ask the offending parties, in a friendly, engaging, and entirely unthreatening tone of voice, "So ... er ... when you compare Gmail to our corporate e-mail system, why do you like Gmail better?"
And then, when they tell you ("Gmail gives me gigabytes of storage. You don't."), take what they say seriously.
E-mail is just one example of this common phenomenon: If end-users don't like the systems you provide, many will find alternatives they like better. If they hate your BPM (business process management) system they'll put together their own tracking sheets in Excel. If they detest your locked-down PCs they'll buy their own Macintoshes.
And if they hate your CRM system ("customer relationship management," but it's a poor use of the term) they'll use Salesforce.com, or install Act!
(Not that it matters, but if Yahoo! was to host Act!, where would it put the exclamation points? Oh, never mind.)
For some unaccountable reason, instead of assuming these employees come to the office wanting to succeed at their jobs, many in IT assume they're malicious vandals who in other circumstances would set fire to the toilet paper in Walkersville's public restrooms.
I don't want to push the metaphor too far. I'm not saying Gloria Rollins should have asked her vandals whether they were mad because she didn't buy Charmin. Even if she had, I'm guessing the vandals would have been too drunk to answer.
So let's leave it at this: When the employees in your company try to avoid the systems you provide to make them more effective, find out why.
They have a reason. You need to know what it is. Then you can figure out what to do about it.
Other than firing them.
No, not the troubling legal and ethical questions. They aren't KJR material. If you're looking for self-righteous indignation on that subject, plenty of political blogs have already plowed that field.
Here at KJR we rarely indulge in self-righteous indignation. Our preferred vices are sarcasm and irony. With that in mind:
Many in the IT punditocracy have made much of the RNC's amateurish systems management. It's clear system security and recoverability went well beyond dreadful.
This is no academic concern. The RNC acknowledges it lost hundreds of thousands of e-mail messages and can't get them back. Unless you interpret the loss as the result of malicious intent, it's difficult to explain away the problem as anything other than total incompetence. (And can you imagine how frustrating it must for Karl Rove that he can't retrieve his e-mail archives?)
But that isn't a proper KJR subject either. Well, it is, actually, but not this week. You'll have to wade through another few paragraphs for the point to emerge, though, because, elsewhere in the news:
Gloria Long Rollins, Town Manager of Walkersville MD, removed the toilet paper from all restrooms in the town's parks. Vandals, you see, had set some paper on fire in a men's bathroom. And so, to combat vandalism, graffiti and drug use in the parks, visitors will henceforth have to bring their own, whether it's toilet paper, spray paint, drugs or kindling.
Here's the connection, and its relevance: Bush administration members aren't alone in ignoring the official systems IT provides them, and Gloria Rollins isn't alone in overreacting to irritating infractions of the rules. The combination is, to coin a phrase, a vicious cycle.
Okay, I didn't really coin the phrase. Still, it is a cycle and it is vicious. Please make allowances.
The Bush-league question for KJR readers is how many business users in your company make use of Gmail, Yahoo! Mail!, or Hotmail for business use, and why. The Walkersville question is how you respond when they do.
Here's the usual response. I'm sure someone somewhere calls it a best practice:
1. IT writes a policy making the use of private e-mail accounts illegal.
2. IT explains to all managers and staff that this is the policy, and that failing to adhere to it will result in disciplinary action, up to and including termination.
3. Someone actually enforces the policy, including termination, proving that in more than one small village, the local idiot has gone missing.
It isn't that the use of private e-mail accounts is a good idea. Of course it isn't, as the RNC was kind enough to demonstrate.
It's that the proper response isn't to remove the metaphorical toilet paper. It's better to ask the offending parties, in a friendly, engaging, and entirely unthreatening tone of voice, "So ... er ... when you compare Gmail to our corporate e-mail system, why do you like Gmail better?"
And then, when they tell you ("Gmail gives me gigabytes of storage. You don't."), take what they say seriously.
E-mail is just one example of this common phenomenon: If end-users don't like the systems you provide, many will find alternatives they like better. If they hate your BPM (business process management) system they'll put together their own tracking sheets in Excel. If they detest your locked-down PCs they'll buy their own Macintoshes.
And if they hate your CRM system ("customer relationship management," but it's a poor use of the term) they'll use Salesforce.com, or install Act!
(Not that it matters, but if Yahoo! was to host Act!, where would it put the exclamation points? Oh, never mind.)
For some unaccountable reason, instead of assuming these employees come to the office wanting to succeed at their jobs, many in IT assume they're malicious vandals who in other circumstances would set fire to the toilet paper in Walkersville's public restrooms.
I don't want to push the metaphor too far. I'm not saying Gloria Rollins should have asked her vandals whether they were mad because she didn't buy Charmin. Even if she had, I'm guessing the vandals would have been too drunk to answer.
So let's leave it at this: When the employees in your company try to avoid the systems you provide to make them more effective, find out why.
They have a reason. You need to know what it is. Then you can figure out what to do about it.
Other than firing them.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
requiescat in pace
Deacon Joe Reynolds of Knights of Columbus Council 12386 St Thomas the Apostle, Smyrna GA, was admitted to the hospital, this week, with a health problem and left this world, to be with Jesus, sometime last night.
He had taken early retirement from his work and spent 6 months in Bolivia learning Spanish so he could minister to the 4000 Spanish speaking families in our parish. He will be sorely missed.
Please pray for the family which includes a minor child.
vivat Jesus
the pup pgk pfn
He had taken early retirement from his work and spent 6 months in Bolivia learning Spanish so he could minister to the 4000 Spanish speaking families in our parish. He will be sorely missed.
Please pray for the family which includes a minor child.
vivat Jesus
the pup pgk pfn
Monday, July 2, 2007
You've seen this before
intro to the video
the video w/sound
btw the language is norwegian but the subtitles are claimed to be danish
the video w/sound
btw the language is norwegian but the subtitles are claimed to be danish
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