tweeter: is it true?

While touring historic buildings in Alexandria VA, we visited an old church. The guide told us that George Washington had attended services there and pointed to his pew. A reverent silence fell. The guide, encouraged by this, went on to tell us that church services back then had been very lengthy -- frequently lasting three hours or more. The mood of the moment was shattered when an anonymous voice whispered loudly, "So George Washington slept here too!" - Thomas Ellsworth q.gcfl

Q & A

It was the first day of school and a new student named xyz entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for xyz, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"

Again, no response except from xyz: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! xyz, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper from the back of the classroom: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

xyz put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, another student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, xyz answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Another student yelled, "You're INCREDIBLE!"

xyz jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost mob hysteria, the teacher said, "You little punk ... if you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

xyz frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble now!"

xyz whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws an eraser at xyz and another student shouts "Duck"!

Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"

xyz answered: "Dick Cheney, 2006!"

Wal-Mart Greeter

Undoubtedly bogus, but funny:

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't."

"The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

"Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go... have to write to the Hefty bag people.

- Kerry Baker

Short & Funny [no short people were harmed in the production of this post]

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to
take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance? - Jay Leno

q.FranCMT2 q.gcfl

getting what we ask for

A man asked his wife,

What would you most like for your birthday?

She said,

I'd love to be ten again.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park -- the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she rode. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Into McDonalds they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a theater to see Star Wars -- more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked,

Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?

One eye opened and she groaned,

Actually, I meant dress size.

That story reminds me of what happened to James and John. They came to Jesus with a request. Jesus said,

What do you want Me to do for you?

They said to Him, 'Grant us that we may sit, one on Your right hand and the other on Your left, in Your glory.' (Mk 10:36-37)

Jesus told them they really didn't know what they were asking for. He asked them,

Are you able to drink the cup that I drink, and be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with? (Mk 10:38)

Their response?

Of course!

However, what they had in mind (prestige, power and glory) wasn't the same thing Jesus had in mind (persecution, suffering and servanthood). Jesus gave them exactly what they asked for, but it wasn't at all what they were hoping for when they made the request!

So often, the same thing happens in my life. God has a way of answering my requests, my prayers, in ways I never even dreamed of -- not always in a pleasant way, not always in a way I would have chosen, but always in a way that He sees best.

sonshine from the land of the blazing sun

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from TX:

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in TX. [btdt but it was a Builder's Square]

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in TX. [or be visiting Mt Hood in OR]

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in TX.

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in TX. [used to be on weekends Aggies would drive home if it took less than 8 hrs]

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in TX. [and you can't count them on just your fingers!]

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in TX. [does he mean the same deer?]

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in TX. [but not in Houston, Dallas, Fort Worth, San Antonio, Austin, ...]

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in TX. [my boss once gave me a set of jumper cables in Houston]

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in TX. [or GA -- the difference is that GA people don't know what "merge" means]

If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in TX.

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your TX friends & others, you definitely live inTX. [or in the case of my children and one of the grandchildren, born there]