getting prizes for going to church

One Sunday a mother could not attend due to illness and asked her very young daughter what the lesson had been about that day. The daughter answered that it was about "getting prizes for going to church".

The mother thought that was strange and questioned her further. The little girl finally said, "Well, the preacher said, 'Don't be scared and you'll get your blanket.'"

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later the minister stopped by to visit and the Mom asked him what that morning's lesson had been about. He said, "My topic was 'Be not afraid, the comforter is coming.'"

The King James Version does indeed refer to the Holy Spirit as a Comforter: "But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you." (Jn 14:26)

The Greek word that's used here the describe the Holy Spirit is "paraklete" and, as the NET Bible explains, "Finding an appropriate English translation for [paraklete] is a very difficult task. No single English word has exactly the same range of meaning as the Greek word." That's why you'll find such a broad range of words used in this verse in different translations.

The KJV and ASV use the word "Comforter", but that word brings to mind the image of a mourner at a funeral. The NKJV and NASV use the word "Helper", but that word inappropriately suggests someone in a subordinate role. The NIV and RSV use the word "Counselor", but that word brings to mind marriage counselors and camp counselors. The Message uses the word "Friend", but that word suggests more of a chummy relationship than the text suggests. NET Bible chooses to use the word "Advocate", but acknowledges that it inaccurately brings to mind a courtroom scene.

Whatever the exact word is that should be used, the idea is clear: Jesus promised his apostles that they would not be alone when he ascended back to the Father, but that they would receive the Holy Spirit who would serve the purpose of teaching them what to say and giving them the ability to perform miracles as evidence that their words were from God.

Thanks be to God for revealing His will to us through those men! It is because of that that Paul was able to make statements like this:

"For this reason we also thank God without ceasing, because when you received the word of God which you heard from us, you welcomed it not as the word of men, but as it is in truth, the word of God, which also effectively works in you who believe." (1Thess 2:13)

Rejoice, for the Comforter has come!

- Alan Smith

America

O beautiful for spacious skies

tweeter tweets

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in PA and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

major fault line in the earth must have opened up

In last month I have seen (or tried to see) 4 movies that are nominated for Golden Globes or Oscars. Some won GGs! No way I can be hip. The hole in the ozone layer must be affecting my geek layer!

Volver by Almodovar w/Penelope Cruz
The Queen w/Helen Mirren
Elizabeth I w/Helen Mirren
Little Miss Sunshine

Prior to that was The Devil wears Prada w/Meryl Streep.

2040 prediction from the tweeter

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

The mathematics of organizational dysfunction

1/22/2007

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ManagementSpeak: Sounds great. Can you e-mail me the details?

Translation: I must remember to add you to my spam filter's blacklist.

KJR Club member Nicky Avery e-mailed me the translation.

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Adios, Cingular.

So far as I can tell, AT&T just repurchased itself from itself for a lot of money. I'm sure that can't really be the case, though.

I just can't handle the math.

Math can be useful. It can help us understand when circumstances we don't like are built into the fabric of the space-time continuum. That's particularly handy for companies that have a blame-oriented culture and are wondering whose fault it is.

For example:

Combinatorials: I've mentioned the formula n(n-1)/2 before. You can use it to calculate the number of pairs of objects in any collection. It explains why an entrepreneurial startup venture can operate as a "band of brothers." Until, that is, it succeeds.

Imagine the startup consists of five old friends who know and trust each other. n(n-1)/2 means it contains 10 pairs of people. With only ten pairs, everyone can maintain trust; everyone knows what everyone else is good at, and the company operates smoothly.

So the company succeeds. Pretty soon it has 100 employees -- 4,950 pairs. There's simply no way every pair will exhibit mutual trust. Some pairs are total strangers; others consist of people who just plain don't like each other; who see each other as rivals; or otherwise can't work together effectively.

Surface area to volume ratio: Blow up a balloon -- for simplicity, imagine it's spherical. When it's an inch in radius, its rubber surface covers 12.566 square inches (4*pi*radius^2) and encloses a volume of 4.189 cubic inches (4/3*pi*radius^3). Surface Area/Volume = 3.

Blow up the balloon to a five inch radius. It now has a surface area of 314.159 square inches, and encloses 523.598 cubic inches. Surface Area/Volume = 0.6.

Small balloons have a lot of surface area for each unit of volume. Big ones have very little. It's why we're made out of many itty bitty cells instead of being big globs of protoplasm. The quantities of oxygen and nutrients cells need (and wastes they must dispose of) depends on how much stuff they contain -- their volume. Their surface area limits how fast they can exchange it all with the outside world.

If this still doesn't make sense, compare the five-inch balloon to 125 one-inch balloons. Both enclose about 524 cubic inches. The five-inch balloon contains it in 314 square inches of rubber. The 125 one-inch balloons need about 1,570 square inches -- five times the surface area.

It is because small objects have a much higher surface-area-to-volume ratio that iron dust is highly flammable while iron bars are not (nor do a prison make, not that it's relevant).

It also explains why it is that in small entrepreneurships, every employee has a clear view of real paying customers and what they need, while in large enterprises almost nobody does. The surface area has become far too small relative to the company's volume.

AND logic: Back when I was studying electric fish I learned to wire together simple electronic circuits. Many included AND gates. Feed nothing but 1s to an AND gate and it outputs a 1. Make any input a 0 and it outputs a 0.

AND logic extends to any number of operands. (A AND B AND C AND D) is only true if A, B, C and D are all true. If any are false, the entire proposition is false.

The executive suite is one big AND gate. In order to proceed on an idea suggested by an employee, the employee's manager, the employee's manager's manager, and the CEO, CFO, COO, and CAO all have to say yes. If any say no, the entire corporation has said no.

Big companies become risk-averse, not because their individual executives are excessively timid, but because of AND logic.

Sympathetic vibrations: Pluck a string on a guitar. It vibrates. Place the guitar near another identically tuned guitar and the same string on the other guitar will vibrate, too.

It's called a sympathetic vibration.

In business, sympathetic vibrations are why bad ideas can take on lives of their own. It works like this:

A superficially attractive idea (move our factories to China, perhaps) creates good vibes. An executive with vision but no attention to detail picks up on it and repeats it, making it louder -- and therefore better-able to induce sympathetic vibrations in yet more executives. Soon, everyone repeats the idea, and it sounds just like an informed consensus.

But really, it's just one boneheaded idea that, through the physics of sympathetic vibration, ends up filling the company.

Don't agree? How else do you explain it?

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Have a subject you'd like me to cover in KJR or Advice Line? Drop me a line and let me know. What - you think I have all the good ideas myself?

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Bob Lewis is president of IT Catalysts, Inc. ( www.itcatalysts.com ) an independent consultancy specializing in IT effectiveness and strategic alignment. Contact him at rdlewis@issurvivor.com.

Don't leave me sitting here in a vacuum!

If you think I'm full of beans, let me know. The address is Letters@ISSurvivor.com. Or, if you need advice, ask for it at Advice@ISSurvivor.com.

I sometimes use reader letters in my columns. The rules:

In your letter, let me know if and how I can use it (as is, sanitized, or don't be ridiculous - you'll be found out and run out of town).

Also let me know if you'd prefer to remain completely anonymous, or whether I may give you credit by name

All letters and responses are the property of IS Survivor Publishing, division of IT Catalysts, Inc.

Copyright 2006, IS Survivor Publishing, all rights reserved.

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crazy is as crazy does

Cosmic Ray Deflection Society

in Wikipedia

I want to be illegal

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
Senate Office Building
309 Hart
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and no income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Pete McGlaughlin

parable

In a third grade classroom:

There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives.

The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat."

He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.

As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.

The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"

Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.

She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. "You've done enough, you klutz!"

Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, "You did that on purpose, didn't you?" Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once too."

May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good.

Remember.....Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

Oremus

Father, I ask You to bless my friends, relatives and those that I care deeply for, who are reading this right now. Show them a new revelation of Your love and power. Holy Spirit, I ask You to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy. Where there is self-doubt, release a renewed confidence through Your grace. Where there is need, I ask you to fulfill their needs. Bless their homes, families, finances, their goings and their comings. Amen.

quote of the day

We have never had an undetected security breach.

1, 2, 3, ...

A little boy asked his father what was the highest number he had ever counted. Replying that he didn't know, the father asked his son his highest number. It was 973.

"Why did you stop there?" wondered the father.

"Because church was over."

I suspect that you have probably sat through worship services where your mind was focused on something just as trivial rather than on God.

It's easy to let the mind wander. "I can't wait to see the ball game this afternoon." "I wonder what we're having for lunch." "I've never noticed before that the carpet down there is starting to unravel a bit." Is it any wonder that we so often leave the worship assembly with the feeling that it wasn't very meaningful?

Worship should be a time when we are confronted with the majesty and glory of God. As we reflect on God's power, we realize how much we need Him in our times of weakness. As we reflect on God's wisdom, we realize how much we need Him in our times of indecision. As we reflect on God's holiness, we are made aware of our own sinfulness and the need for forgiveness. As we reflect on God's love, we realize the effort God has gone to to make that forgiveness available.

It's not a ritual we go through every week. It is an opportunity to express our praise to the One who means more to us than all the earth. As we truly worship and praise God from the heart, we become more aware of how much we want to live close to Him. We leave with the challenge to "be holy as He is holy."

"For the LORD is great and greatly to be praised; He is to be feared above all gods. For all the gods of the peoples are idols, But the LORD made the heavens. Honor and majesty are before Him; Strength and beauty are in His sanctuary. Give to the LORD, O families of the peoples, Give to the LORD glory and strength. Give to the LORD the glory due His name; Bring an offering, and come into His courts. Oh, worship the LORD in the beauty of holiness! Tremble before Him, all the earth." (Ps 96:4-9)

Hailey's latest stats

...over the last few weeks she has been gaining weight at about 1/2 lb a week. Yesterday she weighed in at ...drum roll please... 19lbs 5.8 oz.

Yes, she also has been waking up at night to feed ...twice.. The good thing is her height growth is following her weight. The doctors seem to think she is going through a growth spurt. She is now wearing 12 months in the Carters brand. We have had to buy one piece outfits because pants are usually too tight around her belly..

She is rolling everywhere and loves it when her big sister plays with her. Abigail is still a little jealous but is doing better playing with her. She crawled into Hailey's crib to nap this weekend (again) Hailey was not in it.

C

the language that grades itself - Edward E Jaffe 2007Jan10

computing history of Lugnut

DUQN + Morino = Legent + excitement due to culture clash + 0*progress + bad management

Do i=1 to n

Legent + dwarf = Legent + little result
Enddo

Legent + Goal = Legent + silly t-shirt [Al Legent] + lost benefits + layoff(s) + semi-chaos + more bad management

Legent + CA + financial fraud = CA + large job loss + nice severance + lousy service + American English (pissed off) customers + no indictments [statute of limitations ran out too soon]

(c) 2007 DataStructuresHouston

granddaughter hailey report

Hailey has her first ear infection. She officially weighs 18lbs 9.3 oz -- giant baby...20 weeks old.