A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and; responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
- tweeter
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
parable
A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside. "Your son is here," she said to the old man. She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened.
Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.
The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength.
Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile. He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.
Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.
Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.
Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her. "Who was that man?" he asked. The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered. "No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life."
"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"
"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."
The next time someone needs you ... just be there. Stay.
We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual experience.
We are spiritual beings going through a temporary human experience.
Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.
The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength.
Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile. He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.
Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.
Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.
Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her. "Who was that man?" he asked. The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered. "No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life."
"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"
"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."
The next time someone needs you ... just be there. Stay.
We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual experience.
We are spiritual beings going through a temporary human experience.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
hailey the weed
I took Hailey in to get her butt checked and they said it was an infection brought on by diaper rash. She keeps getting them...we think it might be from teething. Some people say the two are connected..Anyway..they had to weigh her.. She has gained 8 ounces since the 14th... She now weighs 20lbs 7.1 oz 27 1/4 in long.
Der Spiegel
After World War II, John Seymour Chaloner, a British military officer, was assigned to establish a free press in war-torn Germany. Just 21 years old at the time, Chaloner met Rudolf Augstein, 22, a German ex-officer, who was applying as a journalist. Chaloner noticed Augstein was unlike other Germans he was interviewing: he was "not at all submissive like most Germans," he said, who tended to always say "Yes, sir, you're right, sir!" Augstein got the job to start a new magazine, and Diese Woche ("This Week") was born with Chaloner named publisher. Chaloner became known in Germany as "the father of the freedom of press" -- in part because he didn't censor Diese Woche. He allowed the new magazine to criticize forced labor by the French, deportation of German workers to Russia, and inadequate food rations, showing that "freedom of the press" includes the freedom to criticize occupation officials. It was not without cost: Chaloner was relieved of duty when the French and the Russians complained about the coverage. Chaloner urged occupation powers to turn the publisher's chair over to Augstein; the unfettered magazine would "be seen as the first representative of an independent Germany," Chaloner argued, expressing "the German point of view." Augstein was given a license to continue the magazine without British supervision, and as publisher he renamed the magazine Der Spiegel ("The Mirror"), which is still published today. Chaloner died 2007Feb9. He was 82.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Excellent sales pitch
but what are they selling?
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5125780462773187994
p.s. No, I don't know! But as usual wiki knows
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5125780462773187994
p.s. No, I don't know! But as usual wiki knows
old news from your son is always good news
2006Sep8
I've been moved to an officer position but I still get paid like an enlistedman. The job is called Battle Captain and it means I'm now one of the most hated men
in the Battalion.
No damage and no injuries yet but we have had a couple of guys play the crazy card and get removed from the theater.
pup jr
I've been moved to an officer position but I still get paid like an enlistedman. The job is called Battle Captain and it means I'm now one of the most hated men
in the Battalion.
No damage and no injuries yet but we have had a couple of guys play the crazy card and get removed from the theater.
pup jr
Monday, February 19, 2007
Friday, February 16, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
for Abigail
Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move.
"It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
"It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
Praying for others
The following parable about prayer comes from an unknown author:
A voyaging ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men on it were able to swim to a small, desert-like island. The two survivors, not knowing what else to do, agreed that they had no other recourse but to pray to God. However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island. The first thing they prayed for was food.
The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able to eat its fruit. The other man's parcel of land remained barren.
After some days, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife. The next day, another ship was wrecked, and the only survivor was a woman who swam to his side of the island. On the other side of the island, the second man had nothing. Soon the first man prayed for a house, clothes, and more food. The next day, like magic, all of these were given to him. However, the second man still had nothing.
Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could leave the island. In the morning, he found a ship docked at his side on the island. The first man boarded the ship with his wife and decided to leave the second man on the island. He considered the other man unworthy to receive God's blessings, since none of his prayers had been answered.
As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a voice from heaven booming: "Why are you leaving your companion on the island?"
"My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them," the first man replied. "His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not deserve anything."
"You are mistaken," the voice rebuked him. "He had only one prayer, which I answered."
"Tell me," the first man asked the voice, "what did he pray for that I should owe him anything?"
"He prayed that all your prayers be answered."
We have many of the apostle Paul's prayers recorded in his epistles. It is significant to me how large a percentage of those prayers involved petitions for other people (mostly for spiritual needs rather than physical, incidentally) and how few involved petitions for personal needs.
It is easy to get so caught up in asking God to provide us what we need (or merely want) that we forget to pray for others. May God help us to be sensitive to the needs of others around us, and may we take advantage of every opportunity to approach the throne of grace and lay their concerns at the feet of our Father.
"I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone..." (1Tim 2:1 NIV)
join-thought-for-the-day@hub.xc.org
http://www.tftd-online.com
A voyaging ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men on it were able to swim to a small, desert-like island. The two survivors, not knowing what else to do, agreed that they had no other recourse but to pray to God. However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island. The first thing they prayed for was food.
The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able to eat its fruit. The other man's parcel of land remained barren.
After some days, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife. The next day, another ship was wrecked, and the only survivor was a woman who swam to his side of the island. On the other side of the island, the second man had nothing. Soon the first man prayed for a house, clothes, and more food. The next day, like magic, all of these were given to him. However, the second man still had nothing.
Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could leave the island. In the morning, he found a ship docked at his side on the island. The first man boarded the ship with his wife and decided to leave the second man on the island. He considered the other man unworthy to receive God's blessings, since none of his prayers had been answered.
As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a voice from heaven booming: "Why are you leaving your companion on the island?"
"My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them," the first man replied. "His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not deserve anything."
"You are mistaken," the voice rebuked him. "He had only one prayer, which I answered."
"Tell me," the first man asked the voice, "what did he pray for that I should owe him anything?"
"He prayed that all your prayers be answered."
We have many of the apostle Paul's prayers recorded in his epistles. It is significant to me how large a percentage of those prayers involved petitions for other people (mostly for spiritual needs rather than physical, incidentally) and how few involved petitions for personal needs.
It is easy to get so caught up in asking God to provide us what we need (or merely want) that we forget to pray for others. May God help us to be sensitive to the needs of others around us, and may we take advantage of every opportunity to approach the throne of grace and lay their concerns at the feet of our Father.
"I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone..." (1Tim 2:1 NIV)
join-thought-for-the-day@hub.xc.org
http://www.tftd-online.com
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
To err is human. Then what?
2/12/2007
ManagementSpeak: He has been given opportunities to excel in a number of different roles in the organization.
Translation: It's time to fire his worthless posterior.
This week's anonymous contributor excels in the art of mumbo jumbo translation.
You always test. The only question is whether you test before or after you put your software into production.
No, this column isn't about Windows Vista. Mathematicians haven't invented numbers small enough to describe the chance of my having anything original to say about it.
This column is about mistakes, and what to do when they happen.
Last week's column is a good example. It presented a formula for calculating the average span of control in a company: If a company has n management layers, the span of control is the nth root of the number of employees.
Close, but no cigar. Chris Miller was kind enough to explain that I should have analyzed the matter more closely.
Had I done so I would have recognized that it isn't quite that simple. For any number of layers (L) and span of control (S), the number of employees is actually (N) = S^0 + S^1+ ... + S^(L-1). (If you're really good you can turn this into the more compact formula: N = (S^(L+1)-1)/(S-1).)
There might be a way to solve this for S but I haven't found it. Instead, you can plug the formula into Excel and twiddle with values for S until the number of employees comes out right. The span of control for 5,000 employees with three, four and five management layers is about 16.75, 8.14 and 5.27 respectively (the numbers I published last week were 17.10, 8.41 and 5.49).
Does this matter? It depends. Had I described my results as a first-order approximation (see "The art of approximation," Keep the Joint Running, January 15, 2007) then it wouldn't matter a bit. Since I presented my results as being exact, though ...
Which brings up the question: What if I reported to you, and I'd made a mistake like this in some business analysis you'd asked me to prepare? It isn't difficult to enumerate your possible responses:
Coach the offending party regarding the need to be more careful: Coaching is a Good Thing in leadership circles. It gives employees guidance on the importance of doing better next time while avoiding the unpleasantness associated with punishing them.
The problem with coaching as it's usually practiced is that it's undirected and unspecific. The manager explains the importance of being more careful, expresses confidence in the employee's ability to do better, and ends the discussion convinced that positive outcomes will follow.
Usually, they won't, because why would they? Nothing has changed.
Hold the offending party accountable: This is ManagementSpeak for "inflict a suitable punishment." Do this and the offending party, along with everyone else in your organization, will probably become more careful and cautious, double-checking and triple-checking their work.
That's the upside. The downside: Most will hide their future mistakes from view, turn down difficult assignments or any whose results can be evaluated objectively, and energetically rationalize any mistakes you detect from here on in, arguing that they aren't mistakes after all. They aren't bugs, that is -- they're features.
Communicate your expectations clearly: "Holding people accountable" is a two-stage process. First you communicate a performance deficiency. Then you impose a penalty.
You'll get the desired results without the undesirable side effects if you content yourself with communicating. Explain the gap between the work product as the employee delivered it and your expectations.
Unless, that is, you think your employees come to work every day planning to mess things up. If you do, hold yourself accountable for hiring such losers.
Set high standards, publicly compliment employees who meet them, and inform employees, privately and professionally, when they fail to do so. Usually, that's all you have to do -- no punishment needed.
Institute compensating procedures, such as the two-pairs-of-eyes rule: Human beings are like Windows servers. If you want serious reliability you need to cluster.
I'll get the math right this time, because it's pretty simple. If one server is down, on the average, 0.1% of the time, then a cluster of two servers will be down only 0.0001% of the time (0.1% squared). That's a lot cheaper and easier than trying to get one server to achieve the equivalent level of reliability.
Humans make mistakes, especially when engaged in creative efforts. Two humans are less likely to both miss the same mistake than just one -- it's why professional publications use proofreaders and fact-checkers.
The employees in your organization are going to make mistakes. They are, after all, human beings and we humans are prone to imperfection.
The question is how you handle them when they happen.
Bob Lewis is president of IT Catalysts, Inc.
Copyright 2007, IS Survivor Publishing, all rights reserved.
ManagementSpeak: He has been given opportunities to excel in a number of different roles in the organization.
Translation: It's time to fire his worthless posterior.
This week's anonymous contributor excels in the art of mumbo jumbo translation.
You always test. The only question is whether you test before or after you put your software into production.
No, this column isn't about Windows Vista. Mathematicians haven't invented numbers small enough to describe the chance of my having anything original to say about it.
This column is about mistakes, and what to do when they happen.
Last week's column is a good example. It presented a formula for calculating the average span of control in a company: If a company has n management layers, the span of control is the nth root of the number of employees.
Close, but no cigar. Chris Miller was kind enough to explain that I should have analyzed the matter more closely.
Had I done so I would have recognized that it isn't quite that simple. For any number of layers (L) and span of control (S), the number of employees is actually (N) = S^0 + S^1+ ... + S^(L-1). (If you're really good you can turn this into the more compact formula: N = (S^(L+1)-1)/(S-1).)
There might be a way to solve this for S but I haven't found it. Instead, you can plug the formula into Excel and twiddle with values for S until the number of employees comes out right. The span of control for 5,000 employees with three, four and five management layers is about 16.75, 8.14 and 5.27 respectively (the numbers I published last week were 17.10, 8.41 and 5.49).
Does this matter? It depends. Had I described my results as a first-order approximation (see "The art of approximation," Keep the Joint Running, January 15, 2007) then it wouldn't matter a bit. Since I presented my results as being exact, though ...
Which brings up the question: What if I reported to you, and I'd made a mistake like this in some business analysis you'd asked me to prepare? It isn't difficult to enumerate your possible responses:
The problem with coaching as it's usually practiced is that it's undirected and unspecific. The manager explains the importance of being more careful, expresses confidence in the employee's ability to do better, and ends the discussion convinced that positive outcomes will follow.
Usually, they won't, because why would they? Nothing has changed.
That's the upside. The downside: Most will hide their future mistakes from view, turn down difficult assignments or any whose results can be evaluated objectively, and energetically rationalize any mistakes you detect from here on in, arguing that they aren't mistakes after all. They aren't bugs, that is -- they're features.
You'll get the desired results without the undesirable side effects if you content yourself with communicating. Explain the gap between the work product as the employee delivered it and your expectations.
Unless, that is, you think your employees come to work every day planning to mess things up. If you do, hold yourself accountable for hiring such losers.
Set high standards, publicly compliment employees who meet them, and inform employees, privately and professionally, when they fail to do so. Usually, that's all you have to do -- no punishment needed.
I'll get the math right this time, because it's pretty simple. If one server is down, on the average, 0.1% of the time, then a cluster of two servers will be down only 0.0001% of the time (0.1% squared). That's a lot cheaper and easier than trying to get one server to achieve the equivalent level of reliability.
Humans make mistakes, especially when engaged in creative efforts. Two humans are less likely to both miss the same mistake than just one -- it's why professional publications use proofreaders and fact-checkers.
The employees in your organization are going to make mistakes. They are, after all, human beings and we humans are prone to imperfection.
The question is how you handle them when they happen.
Bob Lewis is president of IT Catalysts, Inc.
Copyright 2007, IS Survivor Publishing, all rights reserved.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Is this really true about cellphones?
- The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked.
[false http://www.snopes.com/science/mobile.asp] - Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may comein handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
[false http://www.snopes.com/autos/techno/keyless.asp] - Imagine your cell battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your cell will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell next time. [the jury is out]
- To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: * # 0 6 # . A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
[partially true http://www.snopes.com/crime/prevent/celltheft.asp] - Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 to $1.75 or more for 411 information calls when they don't have to. Most of us do not carry a telephone directory in our vehicle, which makes this situation even more of a problem. When you need to use the 411 information option, simply dial: (800) FREE 411, or (800) 373-3411 without incurring any charge at all. Program this into your cell phone now.
[true http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/nothing/free411.asp]
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
A HA!
One day God was walking through the garden of Eden. After a short while, he came across Adam. Adam was in low spirits this particular day, and God asked him what was wrong. Adam told the Lord that he was lonely.
God responded that He would create Adam a companion. She would walk by his side for all eternity. She would listen to his problems. She would wash his clothes. She would keep his house clean. She would cook his meals. She would do anything to keep him happy. Most importantly, she would never complain or nag him.
To this Adam was ecstatic. His spirits lifted immediately. The Lord hated to tell him that this creature would come at a price. God told Adam that the creature would cost him an arm and a leg.
Adam responded, "What can I get for a rib?" ... And the rest is history. - Lflashman q.http://www.gcfl.net/archive.php?funny=20070207
God responded that He would create Adam a companion. She would walk by his side for all eternity. She would listen to his problems. She would wash his clothes. She would keep his house clean. She would cook his meals. She would do anything to keep him happy. Most importantly, she would never complain or nag him.
To this Adam was ecstatic. His spirits lifted immediately. The Lord hated to tell him that this creature would come at a price. God told Adam that the creature would cost him an arm and a leg.
Adam responded, "What can I get for a rib?" ... And the rest is history. - Lflashman q.http://www.gcfl.net/archive.php?funny=20070207
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Ewwwwwwwwwwwww marketing
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more. - Bob Seegmiller q.
http://www.gcfl.net/archive.php?funny=20070206
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more. - Bob Seegmiller q.
http://www.gcfl.net/archive.php?funny=20070206
Sunday, February 4, 2007
tshatshke, tsatske, tchochke
So how the $%^& do you spell it? What the Internet needs is a mizvah or is it mitsve, a good Yiddish dictionary. For now I am using http://www.yiddishdictionaryonline.com/
Any way I got one (or would it be two) from the Kat -- two metal candle holders from Jerusalem and labeled as such. Which means she survived the trip to Israel. I am breaking one in right now.
btw Yiddish shows its ancestry -- the word for cat is kats like the German katze. Pup is hintl.
Any way I got one (or would it be two) from the Kat -- two metal candle holders from Jerusalem and labeled as such. Which means she survived the trip to Israel. I am breaking one in right now.
btw Yiddish shows its ancestry -- the word for cat is kats like the German katze. Pup is hintl.
Friday, February 2, 2007
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -- you just have to look for her.
- W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2004
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -- you just have to look for her.
- W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2004
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