tweeter: is it true?

While touring historic buildings in Alexandria VA, we visited an old church. The guide told us that George Washington had attended services there and pointed to his pew. A reverent silence fell. The guide, encouraged by this, went on to tell us that church services back then had been very lengthy -- frequently lasting three hours or more. The mood of the moment was shattered when an anonymous voice whispered loudly, "So George Washington slept here too!" - Thomas Ellsworth q.gcfl

Q & A

It was the first day of school and a new student named xyz entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for xyz, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"

Again, no response except from xyz: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! xyz, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper from the back of the classroom: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

xyz put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, another student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, xyz answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Another student yelled, "You're INCREDIBLE!"

xyz jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost mob hysteria, the teacher said, "You little punk ... if you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

xyz frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble now!"

xyz whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws an eraser at xyz and another student shouts "Duck"!

Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"

xyz answered: "Dick Cheney, 2006!"

Wal-Mart Greeter

Undoubtedly bogus, but funny:

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't."

"The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

"Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go... have to write to the Hefty bag people.

- Kerry Baker

Short & Funny [no short people were harmed in the production of this post]

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to
take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance? - Jay Leno

q.FranCMT2 q.gcfl

getting what we ask for

A man asked his wife,

What would you most like for your birthday?

She said,

I'd love to be ten again.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park -- the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she rode. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Into McDonalds they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a theater to see Star Wars -- more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked,

Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?

One eye opened and she groaned,

Actually, I meant dress size.

That story reminds me of what happened to James and John. They came to Jesus with a request. Jesus said,

What do you want Me to do for you?

They said to Him, 'Grant us that we may sit, one on Your right hand and the other on Your left, in Your glory.' (Mk 10:36-37)

Jesus told them they really didn't know what they were asking for. He asked them,

Are you able to drink the cup that I drink, and be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with? (Mk 10:38)

Their response?

Of course!

However, what they had in mind (prestige, power and glory) wasn't the same thing Jesus had in mind (persecution, suffering and servanthood). Jesus gave them exactly what they asked for, but it wasn't at all what they were hoping for when they made the request!

So often, the same thing happens in my life. God has a way of answering my requests, my prayers, in ways I never even dreamed of -- not always in a pleasant way, not always in a way I would have chosen, but always in a way that He sees best.

sonshine from the land of the blazing sun

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from TX:

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in TX. [btdt but it was a Builder's Square]

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in TX. [or be visiting Mt Hood in OR]

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in TX.

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in TX. [used to be on weekends Aggies would drive home if it took less than 8 hrs]

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in TX. [and you can't count them on just your fingers!]

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in TX. [does he mean the same deer?]

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in TX. [but not in Houston, Dallas, Fort Worth, San Antonio, Austin, ...]

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in TX. [my boss once gave me a set of jumper cables in Houston]

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in TX. [or GA -- the difference is that GA people don't know what "merge" means]

If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in TX.

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your TX friends & others, you definitely live inTX. [or in the case of my children and one of the grandchildren, born there]

In my next life

You may have seen this bit of humor making it's way around the Internet:

In my next life, I want to be a bear...

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children while you're sleeping (who are the size of walnuts) and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could deal with that in a big way.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup...gonna be a bear!

I admit it sounds tempting -- especially the part about being able to eat and sleep (and growl!). But for those of us who are Christians, here's something even BETTER than lies ahead. What could possibly be better than that?

How about a life where there's no more pain and no more heartache? A family reunion where you're surrounded by people who all have a heart for God. A place where you don't have to live in fear and suspicion. A place where all your needs are met. An eternity in the arms of your heavenly Father.

"And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, 'Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.' Then He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new." (Rev 21:3-5a)

I don't know about you, but in my next life, I don't want to be a bear......I want to be with God!

a shaggy dog is not a pup

Mane Troubles

The farmer didn't like to use a tractor on his small holding. He preferred to have his draft horses pull his plow and wagons. Unfortunately, a group of small birds insisted on forming nests in the horses' manes, which prevented him from hitching the reins properly.

The farmer tried every method he could think of to get rid of the pesky birds. He tried lotions, potions, and notions. He kept the stable colder; he kept it warmer. He went to horse doctors; he went to bird specialists. He called his congressman; he called the Department of Agriculture. He trimmed the manes as much as he could. He tried loud noises, cat noises, and classical music. Nothing would induce the birds to leave his horses alone.

In desperation, he went to an Indian medicine man from a nearby reservation. The medicine man, listening to his story, gave him some vile-smelling yeast extract to rub into the manes. Amazingly, it worked. Within two days, the birds had all fled and the horses were back to work.

The farmer was pleased with this outcome, but he was puzzled with the methodology. He went back to the medicine man and inquired about how a simple extract of yeast was able to solve a problem that many veterinarians and the Department of Agriculture couldn't.

The medicine man replied, "Simple. Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet." - Cathy Gilstrap

requiescat in pace

A security guard at the summer Olympics in Atlanta GA in 1996, Richard Jewell discovered a pipe bomb in the Centennial Olympic Park. He alerted police and started to evacuate the area before the bomb exploded, but the blast killed one woman and injured over 100 others. For surely saving many others, Jewell was held up as a hero -- until two days later, when the Atlanta Journal-Constitution newspaper reported Jewell was "a focus" of investigators (though it noted that others had "not yet been ruled out as potential suspects.") Jewell was ridiculed as a wanna-be cop who "probably" planted the bomb himself so he could find it and be a hero. Several other news agencies picked up the report, smearing his name worldwide. It took nearly three months for the FBI to make an unprecedented announcement: that Jewell was NOT considered a suspect, and that the "unusual and intense publicity" surrounding him was

neither designed nor desired by the FBI, and in fact interfered with the investigation.

(The actual bomber was anti-abortion domestic terrorist Eric Rudolph; his bombing spree killed three and injured at least 150 others.) Jewell sued several news agencies for libel, and most settled with him -- though the ajc itself refused to, and the lawsuit against them is still pending. Jewell went on to become a police officer -- and lecture at journalism schools about how unsourced and anonymous accusations can damage innocent people. Jewell finally received a commendation from Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue last year on the 10th anniversary of the bombing.

I never expected this day to ever happen,

Jewell said. He died 2007Aug29 from a heart attack. He was 44.

Top secret

Bryan Hilferty of Alexandria VA was the umpire for his son's Little League game, but wasn't sure how to call a play. He asked to see the league's official rule book, but no one had a copy. In fact, he couldn't find one available on the league's web site, either, so he called headquarters. He was told that not "just anyone" could get the rules, since the league was tired of being sued by players' parents. "I have a secret clearance," said Hilferty, a Lt. Colonel in the U.S. Air Force.

I work in the E-ring of the Pentagon, but I don't have clearance for the Little League rules.

Little League officials were not moved.

There is no way we can give special treatment to someone just because they are in the Pentagon,

sniffed spokesman Lance Van Auken.

We don't give preferential treatment. Everybody has to abide by the same rules.

(Washington Post) ...Though naturally, no one is allowed to see what they are.

pest control professional

Jeff Goza, 37, was driving his pest control truck in Gurnee IL, when he accidentally cut off another driver behind the wheel of a Volvo. The Volvo driver was clearly angry, he said, and started to "aggressively" follow him until deciding to get back at him by cutting him off too. But the Volvo driver lost control and hit the curb, which caused him to flip at least four times before coming to a stop on its roof. But he wasn't done yet: the bloodied man crawled out and tried to pick a fight with Goza, who had stopped to render aid. Goza is at least five inches taller than the Volvo driver, and outweighed him by about 100 pounds, so he let the guy take out his frustration.

I wasn't going to hit him back,

he said.

I was just afraid that I was going to be implemented in all of this.

Police let Goza go, but charged the Volvo driver, Steven Stankovitch, 47, with reckless driving and battery. (Lake County News-Sun) ...It may sound impressive, but after all, Goza is a pest-control professional.

WABE - public broadcasting in ATL

Wild

Asian

Buffalo

Enterprise

And what is a wild Asian buffalo? Why a yak of course!

WABE is Yak radio -- yak yak yak yak .....

Secretive solutions

9/3/2007

The Secret is a popular, and therefore self-contradictory book: If you can buy it on Amazon.com, how secret can it be?

Someone who read The Secret let me in on it. It resembles the movie What the Bleep do We Know? -- a new age spin on quantum physics.

It starts with what by now is well worn. A quantum event, such as the radioactive decay of an atomic nucleus, is intrinsically random. Until an observer sees the outcome, the universe simultaneously exists in two "superposed" states -- in one the nucleus has decayed, in the other it has not. The act of observation collapses the two states back into a single reality in which the nucleus either did or did not decay.

That's when it all goes wrong. The Secret is that through concentration you can take advantage of this principle to make random events come out your way.

Which leads to the question: If two people both know The Secret and concentrate in opposite directions, then what?

It also leads to the more important question, Weren't you paying attention when you read the phrase, "intrinsically random?" If an observer can choose the outcome of an event it isn't intrinsically random anymore.

It's a nice theory, though. It stands up to the two tests most Americans and far too many business leaders apply to such ideas: It (1) is more convenient than the way the world really works, and (2) fits their preconceived notions.

It sure would be handy if The Secret worked as advertised. If it did, instead of my typical stock picks' habit of plummeting like poisoned pigeons, they would soar like celestial seraphim.

Want to know a real secret? It's that there is no secret. The best way to forecast the future is to make it happen. You won't achieve this by concentrating your will to influence quantum events. You'll achieve it by concentrating your efforts and the efforts of those working for you to make them happen.

Here's a handy-dandy formula that can help: 3, 1, 3, 4. By the numbers:

3-year vision: This is what you want your organization to be and to accomplish. You should be able to explain it in clear, direct terms. This isn't the place for nuance.

And if you're a loophole sort of person, sorry, run-on sentences are cheating.

An example, if you're looking for one: "In three years, IT will be the company's partner in designing change and a leader in making it happen."

1-year strategy: This is the one-year down payment on your three-year vision. As is the case for your vision, you should also be able to express your strategy in one or two simple declarative sentences:

"This year, our goal is to achieve a 'culture of discipline' -- a shared way of thinking and acting that means every employee makes good decisions instead of managers having to enforce them through oversight."

3-month goals: Here's where it starts to become real. Anyone can look out three years, or even one year, and articulate brilliant outcomes. Three months is another matter. Three months is urgent. It's immediate. It's hard to escape.

Developing goals for the next three months isn't particularly challenging. What's difficult is figuring out a list that moves you toward your one-year strategy. My best advice: Don't worry about it at first. Getting in the habit of putting down any list of three-month goals is an interesting enough challenge. Once you've started you can refine it.

4 -week plan: This is where the rubber meets the road. It's what you intend to achieve each week for the next month to make sure your three-month goals turn into accomplishments at a steady pace.

I've said "your vision, your strategy, your goals and your plan." If that's all they are, you'll fail. Your management team has to embrace the vision and strategy -- it has to be theirs. The goals have to be their goals even more than they are your goals, and the plan isn't a plan at all -- it's the composite of their individual plans, shared so that everyone knows what anyone knows.

What's left is checking off the details as you complete them. That and all the hard work of making it happen.

Don't make the mistake of minimizing the hard work, just because other people have to do it. Compared to it, all of your planning is pretty easy.

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Copyright and other stuff -- The great KJR link point