The Ostrich

Moshe walks into Minky’s Restaurant in his home town of London, England, with a full-grown ostrich behind him. When the waitress asks him for his order, Moshe says, "Salt Beef and latkes plus a coke please." She then turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

Five minutes later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £19.46 please," she says. Moshe reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, Moshe and the ostrich return. Moshe orders, "Salt Beef and latkes plus a coke please."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again Moshe reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes routine for six consecutive days until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Thursday night, so I’ll have a sirloin steak, baked potato and a salad," says Moshe.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Soon after, the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £26.62." Once again Moshe pulls the exact change from his pocket and puts it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "How do you manage to come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" she asks.

"Well," says Moshe, "several years ago, I was cleaning out my loft and found an old lamp in the corner. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant," says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right," says Moshe. "Whether it's a pint of milk or a Lexus, the exact money is always there."

The waitress then asks, "So what's with the ostrich, then?"

Moshe sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big toches and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

- marsha1945@AUSTIN.RR.COM q.uga2008Sep21

Irish Taxi Driver

for the Kat

A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'Be-Jesus, I'm sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.' The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much. The driver replied, ' Will the Saints in Heaven forgive me, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.' - mhennigan@HAWAII.RR.COM q.uga2008Sep18

Why Disasters Are Getting Worse

time.com

possible activity for retirement

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dummkopf. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Mary called him a dumbbell. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age. - q.Jim Berry (with some editing by the functional illiterate as Jim has previously referred to tftd)

thoughts on the eleventh of September

Fighting terrorism is like being a goalkeeper. You can make a hundred brilliant saves but the only shot that people remember is the one that gets past you. - Paul Wilkinson (b. 1937), British scholar, author on terrorism _Daily Telegraph_ (London, 1992Sep1)
Thanks to our leadership and especially to all those behind the scenes for the seven years without another incident on our shores when everyone was expecting many more in the aftermath of 2001Sep11. - tftd

Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. - H. H. Williams

You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late. - Ralph Waldo Emerson q.the other TFTD 2001Dec18

All our dreams can come true - if we have the courage to pursue them. - Walt Disney

Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. - Harold R. McAlindon

If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it. - Jonathan Winters

Maturity won't come with age... it comes with the acceptance of responsibility.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. - Helen Keller

The difference between a dream and a goal is that a goal has a deadline. - Dr. Phil

The mind has exactly the same power as the hands; not merely to grasp the world, but to change it. - Colin Wilson

The smallest good deed is better than the grandest good intention. - Duguet

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Dispel the darkness, Light one candle