Which Holiday Relative Are You?

Please circle the letter that best describes your response.

1. When dinner is served, what do you say?
A. Is the turkey done? How are the mashed potatoes? Could I make some more gravy?
B. I get first pick! I paid for that turkey.
C. Who needs their wine topped off?
D. I want to open presents first.
E. Please pass the salad, and no, I'm not dating anybody.
F. Why is everybody here? It's not my birthday, is it?
G. Are you going to finish that? I'll be glad to finish that for you.

2. When opening gifts, what do you say?
A. I'm going to save this pretty wrapping paper.
B. I paid $57.95 for that and he's playing with the box! Play with the toy!!
C. I don't need another 12-step book.
D. This stinks! I wanted a pokeasurusmon game.
E. Oh, great. Another tablecloth. I can use this while eating take-out every night.
F. This is a wonderful hat. I can keep my government secrets in here.
G. Woo Hoo! I love my new toy! I'm so excited.

3. What do you think when shopping for gifts?
A. I'm making good money now -- this year it's fabulous gifts for everyone.
B. Do I look like I'm made of money?
C. Vermouth for everyone, and jars of olives for stocking stuffers.
D. You mean I have to "buy" presents?
E. This sweater is a lovely shade of cobalt, but it needs to be more of a cerulean.
F. A banana for Peggy Sue. A hula-hoop for Betty, and some bobby socks for Jude.
G. I wish I were in the mall with them and not locked in this car by myself.

4. What is your holiday attire like?
A. A green dress, red blouse, and Christmas tree earrings.
B. The same thing I wear every holiday.
C. I always notice my shirt is on backwards halfway through dinner.
D. I have to wear a clip-on bow tie and itchy wool pants.
E. Something black that shows a little leg.
F. My pajamas and a fez.
G. Fur.

5. How do you decorate the house during the holidays?
A. You can never have too many wreaths, I always say.
B. It's time to string up the lights again?! Geez!
C. Airline-size liquor bottles strung together are a beautiful holiday decoration.
D. I string popcorn together so I can eat it after Christmas.
E. Why decorate when I am never home?
F. Why would I want to decorate the "horse"?
G. I like to leave lots of homemade surprises behind the couch.

6. If you were a reindeer, what would your name be?
A. Cleaner.
B. Whiner.
C. Rudolph the RED NOSED reindeer.
D. Broken.
E. Vixen.
F. Burden.
G. Sniffer.

7. What is your favorite outdoor winter activity?
A. I love sleigh rides with the whole family.
B. Leave me alone. I'm watching football.
C. Frozen snow makes a great margarita mix.
D. I'm gonna peg people with snow balls.
E. Anatomically correct snowmen and lots of them.
F. I run through the sprinklers without any clothes on.
G. Making yellow snow is lots of fun.

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If you circled "A" three or more times, you are "Uber Mother." Mom, sit down! The meal is perfect, the house is perfect, and the gifts are perfect. So knock back a few shots of eggnog and chill!

If you circled "B" three or more times, you are "The Irritable Father." You put the "Bah" in "Bah humbug" and the "Grrr" in Grinch. Lighten up.

If you circled "C" three or more times, you are "The Tipsy Aunt." It's time to start drinking your eggnog straight, honey.

If you circled "D" three or more times, you are "The Whiny Grandchild." You're so spoiled. Stop complaining about getting underwear instead of toys. When I was your age, we had to make our own underwear out of leaves.

If you circled "E" three or more times, you are "The Career-Minded Daughter." For you, life is one big party. Just remember... tick tock tick tock.

If you circled "F" three or more times, you are "Grand Pappy." We've been talking and feel it's time you move into a nice place where people can take care of you. No, put that down -- you don't need that to talk to the mother ship.

If you circled "G" three or more times, you are "The Family Dog." You're such a good boy... yes you are... yes you are...

If you circled "none" three or more times, you probably need to see a therapist.

- David Pettit